Oh love, how complex you are.
Lately, I’ve been very introspective in thinking about love. But not the normal love or the hunt for partnership that I normally bitch about on here. Love for myself.
I don’t know if I’ve really gotten into it, but I have some pretty deep rooted self esteem issues that I know I need to figure out. I guess the first step of fixing a problem is admitting it, right? Well, there it is. I constantly struggle to love myself. Luckily, my grief counselor is also a bit of an everything counselor, so it’s something that I am working on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s a constant battle to stay positive and to work on my self image.
One of the things I’ve really tried to figure out is where it all comes from. I didn’t get bullied in school, my parents were always supportive. I do think a lot of it comes from my marriage, since I gained a lot of weight and felt generally unappreciated in that relationship. Speaking of weight gain, that’s a real tough one for me. At 5’10, I know I’m always going to be “bigger” than most people. But it’s hard to not see myself as fat. In fact, I almost always consider myself that. I even see pictures of myself with friends and think, wait what, I’m not fat. But when I look in the mirror… well. You see where I’m going with this.
Dating, by the way, destroyed my already fragile self esteem. I’ve covered it in many a post (read: 13% success rate), but the nature of dating these days is toxic. It’s not healthy to feel like you are constantly being passed over for someone that may be better, or that you aren’t worth someone’s time.
For now, I’ll keep focusing on moving on up. Knowing the only person who has to accept me IS me. Knowing I don’t need to rely on anyone BUT me, or the people I keep close. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone and I am strong enough to stand on my own. I logically know these things, now, the struggle is not just knowing them but feeling them, and believing them. Again, not something that will happen overnight. But maybe, after enough overnights, and enough times of repeating these things in my head, and focusing on the good, I’ll finally believe it.