keep this a secret.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Before I kick off this post, let’s get a few things straight.
Now that that’s done..
I met someone, and the situation is still very new, but this person makes me very happy and it’s simultaneously thrilling and terrifying. Since I like to keep things anonymous here, this new person will be referred to as Bear, or B, depending on my level of laziness.
I’ve written before about how I struggle with staying happy and positive. I attribute this to a very realistic and logical view on the world and how hard it can be, and the circumstances that I personally have dealt with in life… losing my mother, having a failed marriage, and the family issues that have popped up over the past few years. I try so hard to be happy, and to be a light for anyone that I come in contact with. I succeed sometimes, and sometimes I fail. But I try. Even with effort, though, it can be hard to push through the bullshit sometimes and really feel inexplicably happy. I can honestly say, at the time of writing this, that this person is making me feel exactly that.
I would say I don’t know how it happened, but I know exactly how the stars aligned for these things to fall into place. One, I was very happy with life in general. I had found out a few days prior to meeting Bear that I was getting a promotion… not just a promotion, mind you, but two job offers for a promotion that allowed me the freedom to choose. Then, I got to go see my all time favorite band over the weekend at the beach to celebrate. I was riding pretty high. And then, this guy pops up. I met him on one of those godforsaken dating apps, and honestly, I was very close to the point of removing them from my life again. We only talked for a couple of days, but it was all great. He’s so smart. And funny. And charming. And cute. I was immediately enthralled. Our conversations were fun, sometimes silly, sometimes serious, always engaging. That continued on into our first date. He had me laughing immediately, and everything was so easy and natural. I didn’t want the night to end. I was high on happiness, and it was amazing.
Since then, we’ve seen each other quite often. I can’t get enough of him, and that is a very new feeling for me. As someone who has always been insanely self reliant, it’s strange to let myself be vulnerable with someone new, especially this quickly. But for reasons beyond my explanation, I feel a connection with B that I didn’t really think possible in the amount of time that we’ve known each other. Sweet jesus, this is mushy.
Anyway, I realize that this is still early, and things could change. I hope they don’t, though. I know that being open to happiness also means I’m opening myself up to potential hurt. For this one, though, I am surprisingly okay with it.
More to come!
Ugh, guys, I downloaded a dating app AGAIN! I do not learn from my mistakes, I swear.
However, I must say, I’ve done exceptionally well with weeding out the bullshit. I think this is largely in part to my several month hiatus where I took a few steps back and got real with myself on what I want out of life, and now, these fuckboys can’t bother me because they sure as hell can’t stop me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life feels like it’s divided into chapters. The delineation becomes more and more clear with each step and each change. It’s scary to think about just how much I’ve changed sometimes.. and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that younger, simpler me. The one who didn’t have the walls yet from being hurt. The one who hadn’t almost died and developed some serious anxiety because of it. The one who still had her mother by her side.
I think I’m on.. chapter 47 or so right now. If I could rip a chapter out of the book, it would obviously be the whole “getting married too young to a dickface jerkwad” part. If I could re-read one chapter over and over, it would be ones about the last 4 years where I’ve learned to be myself and made friends that could appreciate who I am as well.
Okay, enough depth. Let’s talk about this fucking dating world and this app I have downloaded. Before I get too into the app, let me share my recent romantic interactions. These aren’t all dates, just… interactions.
That brings you up to speed on the past 3 months of my dating life! I have a couple of prospects on the app still, so we will see where that leads.
Until next time,
I accidentally downloaded a dating app yesterday.
Today the app has been deleted.
I realized really quickly why I stopped online dating…
Rando Dude: do u like shopping?
Me: no, not really
Rando: what’s your favorite store?
Me: uhmm…I don’t really have one, I don’t really like shopping
Rando: not even Victoria’s Secret?!
Me: <deletes app>
My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.
First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.
On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.
Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.
I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.
This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that everyone had a safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and that 2017 is treating you well so far.
Mercury is in retrograde, so I’ve been staying in hermit mode for the past few days. I’m going to keep it low key this week too. I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or so, which was triggered by the whole “New Year, New Me” bullshit that everyone pedals during the holiday season.
I am finally fed up with all the fuckboys out there, and maybe it won’t be a new year, new me phenomena, but I am completely done settling for their bullshit, giving them second chances, and exposing myself to people who are not worth my time.
…another one bites the dust.
I’m seriously, VERY..VERY close to getting myself to a nunnery. This dating shit is insanely terrible! The next one isn’t too bad, but, ugh. Read on.
This happens to be the most recent guy that I cut off. This guy, codename “Perv,” was extremely cute… except for this stupid goddamn earring. Like, really really cute..butttt also maybe a douche. But, because I thought he was cute and fun, I tried to overlook a lot of stuff. Until..ugh, I just couldn’t anymore. I’m sure you’re wondering, how did this guy get the name Perv? Letttt me just tell you.
This guy, at 33, had responses to general conversation that went something like this:
Tempest: Hey, just got done with hot yoga!
Perv: Oh, I bet you are soaking wet.
Tempest: Sorry I’ve been quiet, crazy busy at work today.. working on a new project.
Perv: I have a project you can work on.
And so on, and so on.
The strange thing is, this guy was completely normal in person. Funny, maybe even charming, did I mention cute? Very cute. But sweet baby Jesus, I felt like I was talking to a prepubescent teenager half of the time.
The other warning signs? If this guy wasn’t making an inappropriate sex joke, he couldn’t take any joke. I tried joking with him several times, and he would make a passive aggressive or condescending comment. Granted, this was via text, so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it got so bad once that I actually called him to clear things up because he responded in such a shitty way. But really, are you 12?
The straw that broke the camels back… apparently homeboy had a little bit of a drinking tendency. Every time I talked to him, he was on the way to the bar, or hungover, or starting to drink again early on. I am not one to judge anyone’s personal preferences, but you are in your 30’s, and it may be time to give that party life a break. What really did it in was when he chose to start his evening at a bar… an evening we were supposed to be meeting up. Instead of going home and changing out of his grungy construction clothes, he was “forced” into going to a bar, and therefore would be late to meet up with me. Yeah no.
By the way, when I told him I wasn’t going to meet up, he proceeded to tell me how put off he was that I decided not to meet up because he had gone out.
Really? Really dude? Do you honestly think that it’s okay to be late for a date because you needed to stop and get a drink?
Nah son. Cheers, I’m out.
another recent fun dating-related story. this one didn’t make it to a date, just a phone conversation after matching on bumble.
I don’t consider myself, in any way, a prude. I enjoy sex, but I’m also not a slut. I think sex forms a connection, and therefore shouldn’t be passed around like candy. Have I had casual sex? Sure. But, at 30, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for.
I matched with this guy online, we are going to call him Jafar, because he’s definitely slightly evil, it’s close to his real name, and he is desperately trying to find a magic carpet for all the Ladieeeeeeesss.
We talk via text for a bit, and decide to talk on the phone. Here, I find out a few fun facts about ole Jafar.
Once that last fact popped up, I told him that we were probably not a good match, because although I will date a few people to figure out if there is a connection, I don’t think its really conducive to finding a healthy relationship if you’re sleeping with several people. Also, it’s gross. I don’t want to fuck who you’re fucking. If I did, I would go fuck them.
He seems cool on the phone. He tries to justify it, saying, it’s easier to filter out who is a good match if he is able to explore the situation both “mentally and physically” instead of taking a lot of time with just one person, and that because he’s older, he doesn’t want to waste time. My counterargument: you can’t really get to know anyone if you’re juggling that many at a time, so really, are you saving time? He was steadfast in his opinion. I said hey, good luck to you man, I still feel that way and it’s really a deal breaker for me, but take care. End of conversation.
….hah! not. These guys can’t handle rejection to save their life.
He starts texting me, telling me how he really is safe with his sex life, and I seem smart and have a good head on my shoulders, and he hopes I will reconsider. He continues to say that he’s very loyal and committed… once he commits. Okay, I’m supposed to wait around while you stick your dick in every girl you meet in the meantime? Nah son. I reinforce what I’ve already said. It’s not something I’m okay with, and I’m not going to pretend to be okay with it just for shits and giggles. I’m staying true to me, end of story.
Then things start to take a turn… the ugly side comes out. Seriously, what is it with guys not being able to accept a “no? these days? He tells me that he’s an honest guy and that I can’t see that, and every guy is really doing this, but he just is open about it. I’m like.. okay, sure, that may be the case but.. STILL. DOESN’T. CHANGE. MY. OPINION.
Now he’s ready to try to make a few personal hits. “You’re smart, but you don’t have any of the other qualities that are important to me. Good luck to you, we are obviously not a fit.”
Oh – so it’s my qualities that are lacking? The ones important to you? What are these qualities you speak of, that y]a 30 minute phone conversation releaved I am missing? Is it weakness? Is that a quality I should have and clearly don’t, because I’m not taking your shit? Promiscuity, for not being thrilled to jump in bed with you?
It’s herpes. This guy is clearly looking for herpes. Good luck with that, Jafar! Pretty sure you’ll have no problem finding that sometime soon.