Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.
I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.
This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.
I accidentally downloaded a new dating app. I know, I keep saying I’m not going to. But then I get all lonely and shit. So I do. I know this will lead nowhere, but I do it anyway, because I’m dumb.
Anyway, I digress. I downloaded a new dating app and started talking to a new guy. He was REAL cute, y’all. Real. Cute. That should have been the first warning sign!
So, we make plans to meet up. This is maybe.. a Tuesday or Wednesday, and we plan to meet up on Friday. Thursday and Friday he starts setting off some red flags, mostly with sex talk.
Listen, folks, I am definitely not a prude, and sex is just wonderful. However, I DO NOT. WANT. TO TALK TO YOU. ABOUT SEX. WHEN I DONT FUCKING KNOW YOU, K?
I honestly have no idea why guys think this is okay. For fucks sake, we don’t even know each other. If I’m asking you about music to get to know you better, and your follow up question is “Do you listen to music while having sex?”…. chances are, you’re probably a big giant doucheface.
Anyway, I had to shut this guy down a couple of times for going onto random sex related tangents. Then, mysteriously, a few hours before we meet, he doesn’t feel well. Hm… interesting. Okay, I can’t control how someone feels so I’m just kind of whatever about it. Then, he messages me a little bit later saying how bad he felt that he punked out.
Oh, he gave the reason for his not feeling well, also. It was because…
He ate too much sugar at lunch, and his tummy was upset.
I’m sorry, are you a goddamn toddler?!?!
- How do you eat that much sugar to physically make yourself ill? How is that even a thing? Were you mainlining maple syrup?
- If you know you’re going out later, why would you proceed to eat enough sugar to negatively impact you?
- Now, you’re miraculously cured after a couple of hours, but you were too sick to meet up for an hour or two? Go eat a dick. I hear it settles upset tummies.
The whole thing seemed really suspicious. I honestly think he arranged something on the side, thinking he could find a girl that was going to put out after I shut him down a couple of times, and then messaged me when he was free again to try to save face.
Guess what, kiddo? I don’t have time for that shit, byeeee.