Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Before I kick off this post, let’s get a few things straight.
- I do not watch Game of Thrones.
- I do not have honey in my hair. That sounds sticky. And I think it would attract bugs.
- This is a post about dating, but it’s a good one, so you are welcome.
Now that that’s done..
I met someone, and the situation is still very new, but this person makes me very happy and it’s simultaneously thrilling and terrifying. Since I like to keep things anonymous here, this new person will be referred to as Bear, or B, depending on my level of laziness.
I’ve written before about how I struggle with staying happy and positive. I attribute this to a very realistic and logical view on the world and how hard it can be, and the circumstances that I personally have dealt with in life… losing my mother, having a failed marriage, and the family issues that have popped up over the past few years. I try so hard to be happy, and to be a light for anyone that I come in contact with. I succeed sometimes, and sometimes I fail. But I try. Even with effort, though, it can be hard to push through the bullshit sometimes and really feel inexplicably happy. I can honestly say, at the time of writing this, that this person is making me feel exactly that.
I would say I don’t know how it happened, but I know exactly how the stars aligned for these things to fall into place. One, I was very happy with life in general. I had found out a few days prior to meeting Bear that I was getting a promotion… not just a promotion, mind you, but two job offers for a promotion that allowed me the freedom to choose. Then, I got to go see my all time favorite band over the weekend at the beach to celebrate. I was riding pretty high. And then, this guy pops up. I met him on one of those godforsaken dating apps, and honestly, I was very close to the point of removing them from my life again. We only talked for a couple of days, but it was all great. He’s so smart. And funny. And charming. And cute. I was immediately enthralled. Our conversations were fun, sometimes silly, sometimes serious, always engaging. That continued on into our first date. He had me laughing immediately, and everything was so easy and natural. I didn’t want the night to end. I was high on happiness, and it was amazing.
Since then, we’ve seen each other quite often. I can’t get enough of him, and that is a very new feeling for me. As someone who has always been insanely self reliant, it’s strange to let myself be vulnerable with someone new, especially this quickly. But for reasons beyond my explanation, I feel a connection with B that I didn’t really think possible in the amount of time that we’ve known each other. Sweet jesus, this is mushy.
Anyway, I realize that this is still early, and things could change. I hope they don’t, though. I know that being open to happiness also means I’m opening myself up to potential hurt. For this one, though, I am surprisingly okay with it.
More to come!
Ugh, guys, I downloaded a dating app AGAIN! I do not learn from my mistakes, I swear.
However, I must say, I’ve done exceptionally well with weeding out the bullshit. I think this is largely in part to my several month hiatus where I took a few steps back and got real with myself on what I want out of life, and now, these fuckboys can’t bother me because they sure as hell can’t stop me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life feels like it’s divided into chapters. The delineation becomes more and more clear with each step and each change. It’s scary to think about just how much I’ve changed sometimes.. and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that younger, simpler me. The one who didn’t have the walls yet from being hurt. The one who hadn’t almost died and developed some serious anxiety because of it. The one who still had her mother by her side.
I think I’m on.. chapter 47 or so right now. If I could rip a chapter out of the book, it would obviously be the whole “getting married too young to a dickface jerkwad” part. If I could re-read one chapter over and over, it would be ones about the last 4 years where I’ve learned to be myself and made friends that could appreciate who I am as well.
Okay, enough depth. Let’s talk about this fucking dating world and this app I have downloaded. Before I get too into the app, let me share my recent romantic interactions. These aren’t all dates, just… interactions.
- Got hit on by a DJ. Thought he was really cool. Talked on the phone for hours. DJ turns out to be engaged.
- WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS?! What a clown.
- Got hit on by a bartender. He gave me and J a SHIT TON of mimosas and sangria for free. I mean a literal shit ton. We made out at a random bar on the west side. He got mad that I wouldn’t go home with him. NEXT.
- Throughout this, I am PINING over this beautiful man at word, code name Prince Eric. He. Is. Gorgeous.
- I was too scared to speak to him for like, 2 months. I’m not even making that shit up.
- I made out with a guy I had just met, and that was pretty fun, but hello baggage Batman.
- I went on a date with a 23 year old, that was stupid. I knew it was stupid, and I did it anyway, and it was still stupid.
- Said 23 year old got upset that I didn’t text him one night (when I said I would be out with friends, btdubs) and got all passive aggressive..when I said “yo homie, don’t be passive aggressive” he got defensive, and I exited that situation with great haste.
- I got somewhat catfished. We are in the dating app world now, folks. Started talking to a realllly cool guy, but he didn’t look at all like his pics. They were definitely him, but him from like, 10 years ago. And the date was not so hot. Mehhhh. Strike.
- Went out with a somewhat younger guy for tacos. Tacos are always good, and can make any awkward date slightly better simply by showing up to the party. The date was just okay. He is cute, and actually looked like who he said he was, so that was refreshing. Conversation is lacking though and I’m pretty sure he plays video games in his parent’s basement.
That brings you up to speed on the past 3 months of my dating life! I have a couple of prospects on the app still, so we will see where that leads.
Until next time,
I accidentally downloaded a dating app yesterday.
Today the app has been deleted.
I realized really quickly why I stopped online dating…
Rando Dude: do u like shopping?
Me: no, not really
Rando: what’s your favorite store?
Me: uhmm…I don’t really have one, I don’t really like shopping
Rando: not even Victoria’s Secret?!
Me: <deletes app>
Happy almost spring, everyone! I apologize for my lack of posting… it turns out that even when I’m not dating I keep myself way too damn busy. The next few weeks are going to be quite the whirlwind!
It is only a few days away from spring, and we have gotten about a foot of snow up my way. Fun times for this southern girl. Hopefully it’ll be over soon and we can get some damn sunshine.
Anyway, I’ve been having a few revelations lately and wanted to jot them down before they left me forever. I’ve been doing the no-dating thing for a couple of weeks now. So, let me just preface this, I will still go on dates, just no online dating. If I happen to meet someone organically, fair game. I am not seeking anyone or anything though. I really have tried to shift my focus to myself. I have found that when I was trying so hard to date, I was really looking for someone who could complete part of me, and make me feel whole, instead of focusing on feeling that way on my own. Now that I am looking at things through this new “I’mma do me” lens, that is glaringly obvious.
My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.
First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.
On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.
Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.
I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.
This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that everyone had a safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and that 2017 is treating you well so far.
Mercury is in retrograde, so I’ve been staying in hermit mode for the past few days. I’m going to keep it low key this week too. I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or so, which was triggered by the whole “New Year, New Me” bullshit that everyone pedals during the holiday season.
I am finally fed up with all the fuckboys out there, and maybe it won’t be a new year, new me phenomena, but I am completely done settling for their bullshit, giving them second chances, and exposing myself to people who are not worth my time.
Warning: This post says fuck a lot.
Have you guys heard of this whole “cuffing season” thing? Some strange phenomenon where, during the winter months, these dumb ass boys decide they want to be in a “relationship” because you know…it’s cold, lonely, and generally depressing to be alone on the holidays? Apparently this is a thing. Seriously. Look it up. I’ll wait.
Okay, it’s maybe a little about boys. Well.. relationships, as always.
I’ve been doing okay with the whole dating thing. I met a guy who actually seems like a really good guy, which I feel like was getting tough and making me extremely bitter towards the whole dating scene. Great, right? Wrong! Have you met me?! I am the queen of overthinking everything, and I can break things so very easily. Sometimes, I even break them on purpose. I’ve mentioned before that I like to push people away. It’s like pushing a glass vase off of a shelf to see if it breaks. Guess what… it does! And then you’re all pissed off because you had this lovely glass vase and now, gone. Shattered. Kaput.
Anyway, I haven’t done this yet with this one, but I have noticed something that I thought was worth writing about.
When my walls come down, theirs go up. I think this is because I start any relationship EXTREMELY guarded, and when I start letting someone in, they get this full 100% blast of Tempest that they maybe didn’t expect and certainly weren’t prepared for. Hence: walls. Like oh shit, this girl has a super strong personality and I don’t know how to human anymore! (They probably aren’t thinking that, but you get the gist…)
The new challenge I am now facing is how do I let enough of my true self shine through in the beginning, without feeling vulnerable and afraid to peek over my very well built and well maintained walls. In theory, I should start breaking some of them down. I know this. But guys, I have worked a LONG time on building these bitches up, the idea of tearing them down is terrifying.
Or could it be that I just haven’t met the right person that can handle the me that is scared, and hides, and is afraid to love, but also the me who is passionate, and brave, and over the top? Can I be allowed to have my walls sometimes, but still have someone see me as me? Is that a thing?
Until next time!