My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.

First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.

On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.

One of the things I have struggled with consistently… wait, you guys should know this already, right? Dating. I am so bad at it. Which is puzzling, because I’m actually really good at talking to people and making friends… so you would think I would maybe not suck as bad as I do at dating. But alas. I do.

I have racked (wracked? idk) my brain to try to figure out why this is such a struggle for me. One thing that was glaringly obvious.. I’m really good at getting a first date, and relatively okay at a second. The move from “meeting up” to “dating,” however, seems to be the hiccup.

Another less obvious but not surprising fact.. online dating kind of sucks. I mean, I know I rant about it on here all the time, but think about it from a numerical approach. If you have ever online dated, do this math:

• How many people have you matched with?
• How many of those people have you had a conversation with?
• Of those, how many ended up moving from an app to a phone/text conversation?
• How many of those people did you then meet?
• How many of those people that you met ended in more than one date?
• How many of the people you dated ended up amounting to any semblance of a relationship?

For me, the numbers look something like this. I’ve probably matched with about 300 people over the last two years. Of those, about 150 have turned into some type of conversation, and around half of those have moved to a phone or text conversation. So over the past 2 years, I’ve given around 75 guys my phone number. I’ve met probably 30 of them. That’s an average of a little over one a month.

• Of these 30 first dates, about 15 of them turned into second dates. That’s 15 second dates in two years, people.
• Of these second date dudes, I had some semblance of a relationship with..wait for it.. about 4 of them. And semblance is honestly giving these a little credit… I’m counting these as “guys I hung out with for a few weeks.” By the way, 0 of these have ended up in a serious relationship. I have not been anyone’s girlfriend in two years.

So, 4 out of 300. In two years. 13% success rate. Where do the dating websites advertise this, exactly?!?!

If someone told you.. you can have a semblance of happiness if you jump off of this bridge, but there is only a 13% chance that you survive, would you do it?

FUCK NO, you wouldn’t do it! It’s complete insanity.

The question is, why the hell have I continued to do this to myself, knowing I am wildly unsuccessful?  And… I think I know the answer. It looks something like this.

1. I was in a relatively shitty marriage. Granted, this wasn’t a terrible marriage, we were financially stable and no one was abusive. But, my ex was very controlling, and he did nothing to show me that he appreciated me. In fact, when I told him I wasn’t happy, the reason was because I felt taken for granted.
2. I gained a LOT of weight when I was married. Like, a lot a lot. I still struggle with my body image because of the weight gain. No matter how much I lose, or how much I work out, I still feel like that person. That’s on me, and it’s something I have to figure out.
3. The combination of spending years with someone who is supposed to love you but doesn’t show you any kind of affection or appreciation, and then getting to a point that you don’t even appreciate yourself creates some pretty low self esteem. That’s where I’m at. I can recognize my values… from a logical level. But really feeling them is something that is beyond me right now.
4. Enter online dating. Now, in theory, online dating is kind of a cool idea. You get to meet people you may not have met otherwise. However, people become disposable. No one puts in any effort for something to work, because they can just as easily go back online and pick a new person up. People have become things, and while it may feel good to “get liked” and “matched,” eventually, being picked up and put back down again over..and over..and over.. and over.. will fucking destroy you.
5. But not if I don’t destroy myself first! See, here’s the thing. I know that online dating doesn’t work for me. I’ve written about it. I’ve told people about it. But, like a good little psychopath, I keep going back to it.

People have become things, and while it may feel good to “get liked” and “matched,” eventually, being picked up and put back down again over..and over..and over.. and over.. will fucking destroy you.

And that’s the cycle. Feel bad, match up, feel wanted, go on dates, experience the 13% success rate previously discussed, and hate everything again. It’s not good.

I guess the first step to solving a problem is identifying and admitting that you have one, right? Well, I have a self esteem problem. I have a self worth problem. I have a self love problem. I have a problem committing to myself, and holding myself accountable to being good to myself. I have a problem staying true to myself. I have a problem being happy with my life and my situation and all of the things that I know I have, but haven’t fully stopped to appreciate. I have a problem.