keep this a secret.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Before I kick off this post, let’s get a few things straight.
Now that that’s done..
I met someone, and the situation is still very new, but this person makes me very happy and it’s simultaneously thrilling and terrifying. Since I like to keep things anonymous here, this new person will be referred to as Bear, or B, depending on my level of laziness.
I’ve written before about how I struggle with staying happy and positive. I attribute this to a very realistic and logical view on the world and how hard it can be, and the circumstances that I personally have dealt with in life… losing my mother, having a failed marriage, and the family issues that have popped up over the past few years. I try so hard to be happy, and to be a light for anyone that I come in contact with. I succeed sometimes, and sometimes I fail. But I try. Even with effort, though, it can be hard to push through the bullshit sometimes and really feel inexplicably happy. I can honestly say, at the time of writing this, that this person is making me feel exactly that.
I would say I don’t know how it happened, but I know exactly how the stars aligned for these things to fall into place. One, I was very happy with life in general. I had found out a few days prior to meeting Bear that I was getting a promotion… not just a promotion, mind you, but two job offers for a promotion that allowed me the freedom to choose. Then, I got to go see my all time favorite band over the weekend at the beach to celebrate. I was riding pretty high. And then, this guy pops up. I met him on one of those godforsaken dating apps, and honestly, I was very close to the point of removing them from my life again. We only talked for a couple of days, but it was all great. He’s so smart. And funny. And charming. And cute. I was immediately enthralled. Our conversations were fun, sometimes silly, sometimes serious, always engaging. That continued on into our first date. He had me laughing immediately, and everything was so easy and natural. I didn’t want the night to end. I was high on happiness, and it was amazing.
Since then, we’ve seen each other quite often. I can’t get enough of him, and that is a very new feeling for me. As someone who has always been insanely self reliant, it’s strange to let myself be vulnerable with someone new, especially this quickly. But for reasons beyond my explanation, I feel a connection with B that I didn’t really think possible in the amount of time that we’ve known each other. Sweet jesus, this is mushy.
Anyway, I realize that this is still early, and things could change. I hope they don’t, though. I know that being open to happiness also means I’m opening myself up to potential hurt. For this one, though, I am surprisingly okay with it.
More to come!
I’ve been terrible at posting. I keep thinking of all of the things that I need to say, and sometimes it just takes me a while to get my head around them enough to put my thoughts into words.
A few updates, and then a few thoughts on something that has been on my mind lately: how easy it is to become caged by freedom.
So, on dating. I will have a new post soon about someone I met recently. Yes, this person deserves their very own post. But for any consistent readers, everyone referenced in Chapter 47 is long gone. And that definitely includes Prince Eric, who turned out to be quite the asshole. I can’t say that I’m surprised, and thank god that infatuation is over.
What else is new… I got a promotion at work! I feel like quite the badass for being promoted within a year. It makes it feel so worth it to have made the move and made such a big change in my life. Onward and upward!
One of the things that I have cherished in my adult life is the ability to have the freedom to do what I want. Things like uprooting and moving to a new state and starting a new chapter, without having to answer to anyone. But sometimes, I think we can become caged by our freedom.
I think this has happened to me to an extent, and it has definitely impacted who I am. I have focused so much on being free and living a full life that I design, that I’ve subsequently kept people and relationships at arm’s length. It’s only recently that I’ve realized how imprisoning freedom can actually be. Yes, I can pick up and start over at any point, because it’s just me. But at the same time, it’s just me. Staying in the same place through life allows you to build substantial long term relationships, and I haven’t done that. I’ve moved every few years and started over.
On one hand, it’s exhilarating to be able to start anew. You can rebuild who you are. You can learn new experiences. You can challenge yourself to do things you’ve never done before. You can surprise yourself by achieving things that seem so out of reach to so many people. On the other, it’s terrifying. It causes you to isolate yourself. Trust only yourself. Feel alone and like you only have yourself to rely on.
I’m at a point now where I want to be able to really start settling in my life, and stop constantly hunting for this idea of freedom. I want to surround myself with people who challenge me, instead of just putting myself into challenging situations. I want to do the things I’ve never done before by discovering new depths within myself, instead of discovering a new area code. I want to learn to let my guard down and share my achievements with people who care about me.
I will not say that some of these things don’t already happen, because they absolutely do. I am lucky to have a few very good friends and people in my life. I just know that this is something that I can improve on. I can be a stronger, better me by learning to let myself live in a way that doesn’t require me to always seek a new challenge. That’s what is interesting about the idea of escaping the freedom cage. Maybe letting go of the idea of chasing freedom will be the most freeing thing I experience.
Until next time!
Ugh, guys, I downloaded a dating app AGAIN! I do not learn from my mistakes, I swear.
However, I must say, I’ve done exceptionally well with weeding out the bullshit. I think this is largely in part to my several month hiatus where I took a few steps back and got real with myself on what I want out of life, and now, these fuckboys can’t bother me because they sure as hell can’t stop me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life feels like it’s divided into chapters. The delineation becomes more and more clear with each step and each change. It’s scary to think about just how much I’ve changed sometimes.. and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that younger, simpler me. The one who didn’t have the walls yet from being hurt. The one who hadn’t almost died and developed some serious anxiety because of it. The one who still had her mother by her side.
I think I’m on.. chapter 47 or so right now. If I could rip a chapter out of the book, it would obviously be the whole “getting married too young to a dickface jerkwad” part. If I could re-read one chapter over and over, it would be ones about the last 4 years where I’ve learned to be myself and made friends that could appreciate who I am as well.
Okay, enough depth. Let’s talk about this fucking dating world and this app I have downloaded. Before I get too into the app, let me share my recent romantic interactions. These aren’t all dates, just… interactions.
That brings you up to speed on the past 3 months of my dating life! I have a couple of prospects on the app still, so we will see where that leads.
Until next time,
My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.
First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.
On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.
Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.
I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.
This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.
Am I a misanthrope? Truly? Or am I just fed up with the way people act these days? Find out next time on Tempest Wants to Throat Punch People on a Regular Basis.
In all seriousness though, I’ve really started to get a little pissed off at the way people act. I don’t understand why people find it so hard to not be a dick to others. Granted, I am not the nicest person in the world, but I do try to be a good person overall. When someone needs help, I try to be there for them. When someone needs to talk, I try to listen. It’s really not even hard to do this. The problem is, there are so many people out there that just.. don’t. People just act like they can treat others any sort of way, and that it’s okay and doesn’t impact them.
After much consideration, I think I’ve determined where some of this treatment comes from. In today’s technology age, people aren’t real. I’ve written about this a little bit in terms of dating, but it actually expands to just general human nature. Everyone is interacting behind a screen, and virtue of having a real, human connection is getting lost.
The scary thing about this is that it’s not going to change or get any better anytime soon. People will continue relying on technology more and more, until it’s too late and the
machines rise and take over and we lose our fundamental ability to connect. This isn’t a dating post, but I do think this contributes to my own relationship woes… many of the guys I’ve dated are guys that I met via the internet, so they could treat me however they wanted, and it was okay but I was not a person, but a character on the interwebs.
Everyone is interacting behind a screen, and virtue of having a real, human connection is getting lost.
I’m making a vow to myself this year to get away from the screen. Not a resolution, mind you, but the commitment to have real, human, connections. I realize that one person won’t be what makes a difference, but maybe in this experiment I can help others connect too. If nothing else, maybe it’ll help me become a better person, and find people who aren’t complete dicks about how they live their life and treat other people.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that everyone had a safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and that 2017 is treating you well so far.
Mercury is in retrograde, so I’ve been staying in hermit mode for the past few days. I’m going to keep it low key this week too. I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or so, which was triggered by the whole “New Year, New Me” bullshit that everyone pedals during the holiday season.
I am finally fed up with all the fuckboys out there, and maybe it won’t be a new year, new me phenomena, but I am completely done settling for their bullshit, giving them second chances, and exposing myself to people who are not worth my time.
Warning: This post says fuck a lot.
Have you guys heard of this whole “cuffing season” thing? Some strange phenomenon where, during the winter months, these dumb ass boys decide they want to be in a “relationship” because you know…it’s cold, lonely, and generally depressing to be alone on the holidays? Apparently this is a thing. Seriously. Look it up. I’ll wait.
Oh, December. The end of the year. The time when people start thinking about new beginnings, making resolutions that they won’t keep, putting on pounds that they won’t shed, and thinking of all the wonderful things to come…that probably won’t.
And, time to reflect on the year that has passed. 2016. Fuck You, 2016.
I’ve had a few rough years lately. I hope that 2017 will be better, but with my luck lately… meh. I got divorced in 2012. I lost my mom in 2013. 2014 was a blur of trying to figure things out. I almost died in 2015.
And in 2016, I went through a lot of shit with people and relocated my entire existence to a new place where I knew very few people and had little to no support system. So, don’t fault me when I say I don’t have high hopes for the new year.
I will say, though, out of all the shit I’ve dealt with in 2016, the one good thing that has come of it is that I’ve really started to learn who I am, and who my true friends are. It’s been very tough to go through this process… harder than you can probably imagine, but, I hope the payoff will be worth it one day. I found my self worth and stopped letting people take advantage of me or lead me on. I stopped saying yes to appease other people and started calling people out when they were being complete dicks. And I’m slowly starting to learn to embrace being alone, since that seems like a thing for me now.
But really, did 2016 suck for anyone else? I feel like my entire Instagram feed is full of posts about drinking to forget everything, how hard it is to adult, and general self loathing? Or are these just the things I’ve subconsciously sought out?
Sorry for the negative post folks…just feeling a bit bitter these days. Woosahhh.