chapter 47.

Ugh, guys, I downloaded a dating app AGAIN! I do not learn from my mistakes, I swear.

However, I must say, I’ve done exceptionally well with weeding out the bullshit. I think this is largely in part to my several month hiatus where I took a few steps back and got real with myself on what I want out of life, and now, these fuckboys can’t bother me because they sure as hell can’t stop me.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life feels like it’s divided into chapters. The delineation becomes more and more clear with each step and each change. It’s scary to think about just how much I’ve changed sometimes.. and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that younger, simpler me. The one who didn’t have the walls yet from being hurt. The one who hadn’t almost died and developed some serious anxiety because of it. The one who still had her mother by her side.

I think I’m on.. chapter 47 or so right now. If I could rip a chapter out of the book, it would obviously be the whole “getting married too young to a dickface jerkwad” part. If I could re-read one chapter over and over, it would be ones about the last 4 years where I’ve learned to be myself and made friends that could appreciate who I am as well.

Okay, enough depth. Let’s talk about this fucking dating world and this app I have downloaded. Before I get too into the app, let me share my recent romantic interactions. These aren’t all dates, just… interactions.

  1. Got hit on by a DJ. Thought he was really cool. Talked on the phone for hours. DJ turns out to be engaged.
    • WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS?! What a clown.
  2. Got hit on by a bartender. He gave me and J a SHIT TON of mimosas and sangria for free. I mean a literal shit ton. We made out at a random bar on the west side. He got mad that I wouldn’t go home with him. NEXT.
  3. Throughout this, I am PINING over this beautiful man at word, code name Prince Eric. He. Is. Gorgeous.
    • I want to have his children.
    • I was too scared to speak to him for like, 2 months. I’m not even making that shit up.
  4. I made out with a guy I had just met, and that was pretty fun, but hello baggage Batman.
  5. I went on a date with a 23 year old, that was stupid. I knew it was stupid, and I did it anyway, and it was still stupid.
    • Said 23 year old got upset that I didn’t text him one night (when I said I would be out with friends, btdubs) and got all passive aggressive..when I said “yo homie, don’t be passive aggressive” he got defensive, and I exited that situation with great haste.
  6. I got somewhat catfished. We are in the dating app world now, folks. Started talking to a realllly cool guy, but he didn’t look at all like his pics. They were definitely him, but him from like, 10 years ago. And the date was not so hot. Mehhhh. Strike.
  7. Went out with a somewhat younger guy for tacos. Tacos are always good, and can make any awkward date slightly better simply by showing up to the party. The date was just okay. He is cute, and actually looked like who he said he was, so that was refreshing. Conversation is lacking though and I’m pretty sure he plays video games in his parent’s basement.

 

That brings you up to speed on the past 3 months of my dating life! I have a couple of prospects on the app still, so we will see where that leads.

Until next time,

xoxo, Tempest.

whoopsiesss

I accidentally downloaded a dating app yesterday. 

Today the app has been deleted. 

I realized really quickly why I stopped online dating…

Rando Dude: do u like shopping?

Me: no, not really

Rando: what’s your favorite store?

Me: uhmm…I don’t really have one, I don’t really like shopping 

Rando: not even Victoria’s Secret?! 

Me: <deletes app>

time to get real, real.

Whoa, I knew I had been slacking on posting, but wow, I didn’t realize it had been quite this long. My bad.

I’m going to be really honest with the reason I haven’t posted in a while.

I’ve noticed that even though this blog is really meant to be a platform for me to be my true, fucked up self, I fail at being completely transparent. And when things get really hard, I just don’t post. I’ve decided I need to start being real with myself here.

With that said, here are the main things that are going on with my life right now, that have made it very difficult for me to put it down to be recorded forever on the interwebs:

  1. I feel alone. Like, really really alone. I am not discounting any of the people who ARE there for me in my life. My sister and I got into an argument about this, because she told me it hurts her when I said “I don’t have anyone” and she has always been there for me. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my sister… she’s as much life to me as air. But what I mean when I say I don’t have anyone, is that I do feel generally alone. I have friends, and my sister, and I am so very thankful for them. Overall, though, I feel like I am floating in a vast vacuum and going through the motions of life. There are multiple contributing factors to this.
    • My family, ever since my mom passed, has been disjointed at best. My grandmother, who you would think would understand how hard life can be for me without my mom, is so caught up in what people think of her on social media that she pretty much forgets I exist. Unless I post something on social media, that is. She visits my aunt 5-8 times a year, and hasn’t visited me in several years. When I called her out on it, we had a huge fight, to which she said that she asked if she could come visit me when I moved and I told her I needed to get settled. Let’s clarify this. She asked to come visit me LITERALLY the weekend that I moved. I said I hadn’t gotten settled yet because I LITERALLY did not have furniture. That was 8 months ago. She hasn’t asked since.
    • Speaking of moving, when I moved, I took a real no-bullshit approach to friendships and relationships. I decided that I didn’t want to have friendships in my life that were one sided or that drained me. I started cutting people off that I felt were abusive of my time and my energy. Guess what that means? I have a whole lot less friends than I did a few years ago.
    • I’m bad at dating, and have completely given it up. I do want a relationship. But I am too set in my ways and too stubborn to settle. So while everyone else is having fun with the boys, I’m sitting on the sidelines. That kinda sucks sometimes.
  2. I feel broken. There are a lot of things that cause me to feel insecure and/or broken, and I don’t really know how to deal with most of them. Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, she really does think I’m funny, and so did my last one. Because I am. Because I use humor as a defense mechanism to avoid showing people these true insecurities. And because over the years, I’ve gotten really damn good at it. But yeah, I don’t know how to deal with these things. I read a book that said you should take all of your insecurities, and focus on just solving one, and once you do, the rest become easy. My problem is, I have so many, and I don’t really know where to start. Wanna hear them?
    • 99% of the time, I hate my body. I think I’m overweight. I think I’m unattractive. I think that the people I find attractive are way out of my league thus securing my fate as a spinster. I realize that some guys think I’m attractive.
    • A lot of the people I’ve cared about in my life have left me or not fought for me and that makes me feel worthless.
    • When I was a preteen, my mom got remarried and took on a whole new family. I went from one of two children to one of like, 500. It sucked and it made me retreat within myself because I didn’t feel like I was heard anymore.
    • I don’t feel like I can be myself with most people. When I say most, I mean there are probably 4 people on this planet that I feel 100% okay being me with.  The rest, I feel judged and weird.
  3. I feel like I don’t know how to be happy. When I really think about it, there are few times that I have felt beyond contentment. Sure, I’ve felt pleased with life from time to time. But sometimes I just think I’m missing some type of happiness gene. Examples?
    • When I got engaged to my now ex-husband, I didn’t cry, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t shout. I felt happy…ish. But not thrilled.
    • Also, when I married my ex. I was nervous more than anything. But I never felt overly happy.
    • Every relationship I’ve been in… I typically feel unhappy within the first few weeks. I pick things apart. I never have a “honeymoon” period.
    • I never can just sit and be completely content. There is always something nagging at my brain, making me worry, making me anxious. I look for times that I can feel that way and I strive to find them. But it’s very hard.
    • Most of my happy thoughts come from thinking about escaping. I don’t know if that is good, bad, or normal.

 

So, there’s the truth. The real, transparent, truth.

 

xoxo,

Tempest.

impermanence.

Fact: nothing lasts forever.  Right?

I recently watched a movie that talked about impermanence, which is essentially the fact that the only thing constant is change. This is something that everyone more or less knows to be true. It’s something we have always known our entire lives… things will always change.  So how does one find happiness through the change?

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self love… or the pursuit of it, anyway.

Oh love, how complex you are.

Lately, I’ve been very introspective in thinking about love. But not the normal love or the hunt for partnership that I normally bitch about on here. Love for myself.

I don’t know if I’ve really gotten into it, but I have some pretty deep rooted self esteem issues that I know I need to figure out. I guess the first step of fixing a problem is admitting it, right? Well, there it is. I constantly struggle to love myself. Luckily, my grief counselor is also a bit of an everything counselor, so it’s something that I am working on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s a constant battle to stay positive and to work on my self image.

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the art of being weird.

Happy almost spring, everyone! I apologize for my lack of posting… it turns out that even when I’m not dating I keep myself way too damn busy. The next few weeks are going to be quite the whirlwind!

It is only a few days away from spring, and we have gotten about a foot of snow up my way. Fun times for this southern girl. Hopefully it’ll be over soon and we can get some damn sunshine.

Anyway, I’ve been having a few revelations lately and wanted to jot them down before they left me forever. I’ve been doing the no-dating thing for a couple of weeks now. So, let me just preface this, I will still go on dates, just no online dating. If I happen to meet someone organically, fair game. I am not seeking anyone or anything though. I really have tried to shift my focus to myself. I have found that when I was trying so hard to date, I was really looking for someone who could complete part of me, and make me feel whole, instead of focusing on feeling that way on my own. Now that I am looking at things through this new “I’mma do me” lens, that is glaringly obvious.

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People will tell you the truth, if you listen. 

happy 50 posts!

I’ve hit 50 posts! Well, 51 now. Enjoy a lovely photo from my most recent adventure!

13% success rate

My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.

First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.

On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.

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ugh, my tum tum.

Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.

I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.

This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.

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