Whoa, I knew I had been slacking on posting, but wow, I didn’t realize it had been quite this long. My bad.
I’m going to be really honest with the reason I haven’t posted in a while.
I’ve noticed that even though this blog is really meant to be a platform for me to be my true, fucked up self, I fail at being completely transparent. And when things get really hard, I just don’t post. I’ve decided I need to start being real with myself here.
With that said, here are the main things that are going on with my life right now, that have made it very difficult for me to put it down to be recorded forever on the interwebs:
- I feel alone. Like, really really alone. I am not discounting any of the people who ARE there for me in my life. My sister and I got into an argument about this, because she told me it hurts her when I said “I don’t have anyone” and she has always been there for me. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my sister… she’s as much life to me as air. But what I mean when I say I don’t have anyone, is that I do feel generally alone. I have friends, and my sister, and I am so very thankful for them. Overall, though, I feel like I am floating in a vast vacuum and going through the motions of life. There are multiple contributing factors to this.
- My family, ever since my mom passed, has been disjointed at best. My grandmother, who you would think would understand how hard life can be for me without my mom, is so caught up in what people think of her on social media that she pretty much forgets I exist. Unless I post something on social media, that is. She visits my aunt 5-8 times a year, and hasn’t visited me in several years. When I called her out on it, we had a huge fight, to which she said that she asked if she could come visit me when I moved and I told her I needed to get settled. Let’s clarify this. She asked to come visit me LITERALLY the weekend that I moved. I said I hadn’t gotten settled yet because I LITERALLY did not have furniture. That was 8 months ago. She hasn’t asked since.
- Speaking of moving, when I moved, I took a real no-bullshit approach to friendships and relationships. I decided that I didn’t want to have friendships in my life that were one sided or that drained me. I started cutting people off that I felt were abusive of my time and my energy. Guess what that means? I have a whole lot less friends than I did a few years ago.
- I’m bad at dating, and have completely given it up. I do want a relationship. But I am too set in my ways and too stubborn to settle. So while everyone else is having fun with the boys, I’m sitting on the sidelines. That kinda sucks sometimes.
- I feel broken. There are a lot of things that cause me to feel insecure and/or broken, and I don’t really know how to deal with most of them. Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, she really does think I’m funny, and so did my last one. Because I am. Because I use humor as a defense mechanism to avoid showing people these true insecurities. And because over the years, I’ve gotten really damn good at it. But yeah, I don’t know how to deal with these things. I read a book that said you should take all of your insecurities, and focus on just solving one, and once you do, the rest become easy. My problem is, I have so many, and I don’t really know where to start. Wanna hear them?
- 99% of the time, I hate my body. I think I’m overweight. I think I’m unattractive. I think that the people I find attractive are way out of my league thus securing my fate as a spinster. I realize that some guys think I’m attractive.
- A lot of the people I’ve cared about in my life have left me or not fought for me and that makes me feel worthless.
- When I was a preteen, my mom got remarried and took on a whole new family. I went from one of two children to one of like, 500. It sucked and it made me retreat within myself because I didn’t feel like I was heard anymore.
- I don’t feel like I can be myself with most people. When I say most, I mean there are probably 4 people on this planet that I feel 100% okay being me with. The rest, I feel judged and weird.
- I feel like I don’t know how to be happy. When I really think about it, there are few times that I have felt beyond contentment. Sure, I’ve felt pleased with life from time to time. But sometimes I just think I’m missing some type of happiness gene. Examples?
- When I got engaged to my now ex-husband, I didn’t cry, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t shout. I felt happy…ish. But not thrilled.
- Also, when I married my ex. I was nervous more than anything. But I never felt overly happy.
- Every relationship I’ve been in… I typically feel unhappy within the first few weeks. I pick things apart. I never have a “honeymoon” period.
- I never can just sit and be completely content. There is always something nagging at my brain, making me worry, making me anxious. I look for times that I can feel that way and I strive to find them. But it’s very hard.
- Most of my happy thoughts come from thinking about escaping. I don’t know if that is good, bad, or normal.
So, there’s the truth. The real, transparent, truth.