Tag: anxiety

tempest.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

As I have mentioned before, I use a pseudonym to stay anonymous on this blog, and that name is Tempest. This of course, comes from Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, which starts out with a pretty fucked up magical storm. I picked this name for a pseudonym because more often than not, I have a pretty stormy personality. It usually applies more to myself than to my situation..until recently. Because damn, if I’m not in a storm right now.

I have written quite a bit recently about my move from the dirty South up to the Northeast. It’s been a bit crazy, and I have definitely gone through a whirlwind of emotions. I’m sad to have left behind the place I’ve called home for the last several years. I almost feel guilty for leaving my friends, even though I know I did it for the right reasons.

I know I’ve said it before, but holy shit I’m terrified that I’m going to just fail and fall flat on my face up here. I don’t know if I will really meet people, people that will have my back. Knowing coworkers is one thing, and I have some great friends that I’ve made over the years that started as coworkers. But what if I don’t meet anyone that I can really connect with? What if I make the same mistakes with friends and relationships that I’ve made my whole life? What if I end up not only alone, but ridiculously unhappy?

One of my biggest fears is feeling like I will never really fit in anywhere. That I will always be the odd one out. I will never truly belong.

These are the thoughts going through my head during this uprooting. These kinds of thoughts, on top of the fact that I am still trying to get settled, spending a shit ton of money on furnishing a new place, and trying to find a groove in general. It’s a lot. Oh, this is all happening whilst I am still working my old job and my new one, by the way. I’m hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully I will start to see it soon.

departure.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

So hey, I’m moving in like.. 3 days. When do I get to FULLY freak out? Now? Is now okay?

Realistically, I have had about 1.5 solid panic attacks this week. One real good one, the other I was able to catch and kill before it really took hold. Now, as I sit here and wait for Salvation Army to come pick up a ton of shit, I am finally starting to feel a little tiny bit okay with everything. It is definitely going to be really hard the next few days, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And with that, I decided maybe it was a good time to jot down a few reasons to be excited! Read More

#hoesindifferentareacodes

.Reading time 3 minutes.

201, 910, 908, 434, 804, 757, 404, 678, 706, 319, 252, 770, 912, 501, 713, 423, 862, 276, 773,203, 864…

These are all the zip codes of all the people I’ve dated since I was… of dating age. For the record, those are all based on a minimum of one date, so don’t go thinking I’ve REALLY gotten around.. although I think I’ve covered maybe most of the Eastern seaboard at this point.

As a disclaimer, most of these dates happened in my own town and were people who just originated from other places, but a decent amount happened with people I met during travel. I’ve also met people through my career that are based in different cities, and even had a few romantic counters in that arena as well. This may seem strange to some, like what’s the point in dating when you’re traveling, but I think for me it boils down to… curiosity. I love hearing people’s stories and finding out about different ways of life, discovering local places to eat, drink, and hangout, and generally broadening my horizons when meeting new people. Essentially, although I knew the date would likely not end in some great romance, the experience of learning about someone’s upbringing and way of life is intriguing to me.

Okay, bear with me, I know the title references “hoes in different area codes,” but that was just a gimmick to get you to read this. Obviously I don’t consider most of the people I’ve dated hoes. In fact, I try to steer away from them, because I know myself very well and know I can get attached, so pursuing someone that is looking for something purely casual is a good way to get myself hurt fast.

My point here is simply that, I’ve made it a point to date around and to experience new and different people whenever I could. Through this, I’ve quickly determined something about men… they’re all the same, no matter where you go or where you come from. You will always have assholes, and clingers, and yeah maybe a good guy here or there too. It took me a little bit to start putting this all together. I had this crazy idea in my head that I was not as hot in my home city, Atlanta, because guys there tend to go to the fun blonde sorority girls, and that I could date ANYONE I WANTED in another city. This isn’t true, by the way.

My family has always told me they think I should just find a good ole southern boy. I don’t know if that will necessarily happen. There are times when I’ve thought that I should settle down with a guy like that but… I’ve lived that life. I’ve been a southern girl, in a small town, and in a big city. For now, I’ll continue enjoying the exploration that comes my way.

Till next time, Tempest.

 

 

 

 

 

anxiety.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety maybe once or twice already on this blog… I think. Over the past year or so, my anxiety has peaked, but this has caused me to come to terms with it and recognize where it comes from. Now, when I say “anxiety,” I am not talking about that normal, anxious feeling that everyone gets when they’re stressed out. I’m talking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s a thing, people!

I was only recently diagnosed with GAD after a series of really bad panic attacks. By the way, if you haven’t had a panic attack before, that shit is terrifying. Heart racing, sweating, blacking out and running halfway across your house before you realize what’s going on.. it’s scary. After talking to a counselor and finally a doctor, they confirmed that what I’ve always thought of as a high strung, super Type-A personality was in fact signs of having GAD. A LOT of things finally clicked.

Since then, I’ve worked really hard to recognize what causes my anxiety to peak, and deal with it however I can. I am often attacked by what I call the “Anxiety Monster.” This is when my brain decides, “Know what? Fuck reason, we are going this way today!” And I decide that the person who hasn’t responded lately has probably been abducted. That pain in my side is clearly a deadly condition. And, yeah, my curling iron was probably left on and will inevitably burn the house down.

Also a note here, it is extremely hard to have strong interpersonal relationships when you struggle every day with anxiety. Listen up: if you have anyone in your life that wrestles with this, understand that is really something that is hard to overcome, and while it may be almost impossible for people without anxiety to understand… try. It means the world when you do. I’ve tried to start showing people I care about that I appreciate when they try to understand, or make concessions when they know the monster is rearing it’s ugly head.

While I don’t think that this is ever something that can be “beaten,” I do think I am making some progress. I’m trying to be better at communicating how my brain works (which, even I don’t understand half the time) with the people I care about to maintain friendships and relationships. I’ll keep working at it and make sure I keep the people in my life that are willing to understand and meet me somewhere in between.

Until next time, please excuse me while I make sure my flat iron is unplugged.

xoxo, Tempest.

hospitalized.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

Once upon a time, I decided I would try to be outdoorsy. Okay, bear with me, I realize this post has “hospital” in the title and I promise we will get there, but let me first set the scene.

I love the beauty of nature. I love.. to LOOK at it. I don’t necessarily enjoy being in it, but in 2015, I decided I would challenge myself to do things I hadn’t done before, and that involved being one with the earth or some bullshit. I started spending a lot more time outdoors, hiking, and even.. camping. I will admit it was definitely more like glamping, but you get the picture.

My first camping trip in probably… I don’t know, maybe 15 years? was a definite success. We made s’mores, we hiked the Appalachian Approach trail, I had about 23482482 steps on my fitness tracker, the weather was chilly but nice, the scenery was beautiful.

Fast forward 10 days later, and I don’t even know my name.

So, for those of you who aren’t aware, ticks and other pesky creatures are apparently active year round in southern states, like the one I live in. I had apparently been bitten by one of these critters and won the grand prize of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Haven’t heard of it? Google… but here are the basics. I had brain swelling, a very high fever, and a pretty nasty rash that landed me in the hospital for 10 days. The doctors probably would have kept me longer if I hadn’t actually tried to Uber out of there.

Luckily, after about 3 months of building my strength back up, I was left relatively unscathed, other than a nasty case of what I really consider PTSD, and a big increase in anxiety. The troublesome part is, as someone who has always struggled with anxiety (and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder), this added stress did not help. I began having panic attacks, and bordered on being a hypochondriac… any little thing that felt “off” would send me into a full blown conundrum about how I was probably dying. This may sound crazy to many of you, but when you’re a pretty healthy person who almost dies unexpectedly from something so random, it’s hard for your brain not to go there. Especially when you’re already battling the Anxiety Monster on the reg.

The moral of this story: live your life. Do what you want, because you really never know what may happen. I still struggle every day with anxiety, but I am working on ways to embrace who I am and live for me. I’m trying to keep the people who were there for me when no one else was close, and appreciate what I have, because not everyone is lucky enough to have those things. Also, wear bug spray people!!

xoxo, Tempest