Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
I haven’t written in a while, honestly because I’ve been insanely busy. The last post I told the world (or WordPress, at least) about B.
One of the things I may not have mentioned about B is that we come from different cultures, his much more stringent than mine. I’ve dated people from this culture before, and for that reason I asked him on our first date if he was even allowed to date someone like me. He said it wasn’t a problem.
Turns out, it is. We have been together for a little over 2 months, but in many ways, I don’t exist in his world. A handful of friends know about me, and that’s because I pushed for it. But his closest friends, his family, know nothing. Not even just about me, but that he’s even dating someone.
There are two things that scare me in life. One is not being good enough. And let me tell ya, having to be kept a secret definitely plays on that fear. Knowing that the reason I’m secret is that I’m not good enough by default… that fear is amplified beyond belief.
There are a lot of other considerations that make this very tough for me. Not only does it make the fear of being worthy come to the forefront, but it also makes me wonder how serious he is about me.
When we started dating, I was excited to tell people. At two months in, I told my family I was seeing someone and started being open about it. I know that if something happens it’ll be hard to field those questions, but I guess I don’t look at it as “if something happens.” I think I worry that because he resists telling his friends and family about me, it’s easier for him to walk away.
The other thing that makes this hard is knowing that even when it becomes public knowledge, I have to prove myself. I don’t have the luxury of his family thinking “Oh, you picked her, so she must be great.” Instead, I’m an outsider. Automatically. Guilty until proven innocent. Different. Shunned.
I think only time will tell how this will go, but I needed to get this off of my chest for now.
Until next time,