Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Whoa, I knew I had been slacking on posting, but wow, I didn’t realize it had been quite this long. My bad.
I’m going to be really honest with the reason I haven’t posted in a while.
I’ve noticed that even though this blog is really meant to be a platform for me to be my true, fucked up self, I fail at being completely transparent. And when things get really hard, I just don’t post. I’ve decided I need to start being real with myself here.
With that said, here are the main things that are going on with my life right now, that have made it very difficult for me to put it down to be recorded forever on the interwebs:
- I feel alone. Like, really really alone. I am not discounting any of the people who ARE there for me in my life. My sister and I got into an argument about this, because she told me it hurts her when I said “I don’t have anyone” and she has always been there for me. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my sister… she’s as much life to me as air. But what I mean when I say I don’t have anyone, is that I do feel generally alone. I have friends, and my sister, and I am so very thankful for them. Overall, though, I feel like I am floating in a vast vacuum and going through the motions of life. There are multiple contributing factors to this.
- My family, ever since my mom passed, has been disjointed at best. My grandmother, who you would think would understand how hard life can be for me without my mom, is so caught up in what people think of her on social media that she pretty much forgets I exist. Unless I post something on social media, that is. She visits my aunt 5-8 times a year, and hasn’t visited me in several years. When I called her out on it, we had a huge fight, to which she said that she asked if she could come visit me when I moved and I told her I needed to get settled. Let’s clarify this. She asked to come visit me LITERALLY the weekend that I moved. I said I hadn’t gotten settled yet because I LITERALLY did not have furniture. That was 8 months ago. She hasn’t asked since.
- Speaking of moving, when I moved, I took a real no-bullshit approach to friendships and relationships. I decided that I didn’t want to have friendships in my life that were one sided or that drained me. I started cutting people off that I felt were abusive of my time and my energy. Guess what that means? I have a whole lot less friends than I did a few years ago.
- I’m bad at dating, and have completely given it up. I do want a relationship. But I am too set in my ways and too stubborn to settle. So while everyone else is having fun with the boys, I’m sitting on the sidelines. That kinda sucks sometimes.
- I feel broken. There are a lot of things that cause me to feel insecure and/or broken, and I don’t really know how to deal with most of them. Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, she really does think I’m funny, and so did my last one. Because I am. Because I use humor as a defense mechanism to avoid showing people these true insecurities. And because over the years, I’ve gotten really damn good at it. But yeah, I don’t know how to deal with these things. I read a book that said you should take all of your insecurities, and focus on just solving one, and once you do, the rest become easy. My problem is, I have so many, and I don’t really know where to start. Wanna hear them?
- 99% of the time, I hate my body. I think I’m overweight. I think I’m unattractive. I think that the people I find attractive are way out of my league thus securing my fate as a spinster. I realize that some guys think I’m attractive.
- A lot of the people I’ve cared about in my life have left me or not fought for me and that makes me feel worthless.
- When I was a preteen, my mom got remarried and took on a whole new family. I went from one of two children to one of like, 500. It sucked and it made me retreat within myself because I didn’t feel like I was heard anymore.
- I don’t feel like I can be myself with most people. When I say most, I mean there are probably 4 people on this planet that I feel 100% okay being me with. The rest, I feel judged and weird.
- I feel like I don’t know how to be happy. When I really think about it, there are few times that I have felt beyond contentment. Sure, I’ve felt pleased with life from time to time. But sometimes I just think I’m missing some type of happiness gene. Examples?
- When I got engaged to my now ex-husband, I didn’t cry, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t shout. I felt happy…ish. But not thrilled.
- Also, when I married my ex. I was nervous more than anything. But I never felt overly happy.
- Every relationship I’ve been in… I typically feel unhappy within the first few weeks. I pick things apart. I never have a “honeymoon” period.
- I never can just sit and be completely content. There is always something nagging at my brain, making me worry, making me anxious. I look for times that I can feel that way and I strive to find them. But it’s very hard.
- Most of my happy thoughts come from thinking about escaping. I don’t know if that is good, bad, or normal.
So, there’s the truth. The real, transparent, truth.
Warning: This post says fuck a lot.
Have you guys heard of this whole “cuffing season” thing? Some strange phenomenon where, during the winter months, these dumb ass boys decide they want to be in a “relationship” because you know…it’s cold, lonely, and generally depressing to be alone on the holidays? Apparently this is a thing. Seriously. Look it up. I’ll wait.
I’m baaaaccckk! This post may be a little lengthy, because I have a lot to say. Also, I know carpe la vie isn’t actually a thing, but it maybe should be.
First, let’s talk about my trip. DR was basically amazing, for several different reasons. It’s a beautiful place, so you can’t really go wrong there.. but I also met some really awesome people. Turns out that wedding crashing has a few perks!
One of the beautiful things about going to a place like the Dominican Republic is the opportunity to completely disconnect. I am admittedly very connected all the time, and I sometimes feel very lost when I don’t have a phone or tablet nearby to stay up to speed on what is going on. In Punta Cana, I was able to step away from that. Ok.. the WiFi sucked ass, so I was partially forced to, but you get the point. I’ve been trying to be better about stepping away from screens, and this was a good opportunity to do that. I didn’t record performances, I didn’t take a shit-ton of selfies (just a moderate ton), and most importantly.. I just focused on the moment.
Okay, it’s maybe a little about boys. Well.. relationships, as always.
I’ve been doing okay with the whole dating thing. I met a guy who actually seems like a really good guy, which I feel like was getting tough and making me extremely bitter towards the whole dating scene. Great, right? Wrong! Have you met me?! I am the queen of overthinking everything, and I can break things so very easily. Sometimes, I even break them on purpose. I’ve mentioned before that I like to push people away. It’s like pushing a glass vase off of a shelf to see if it breaks. Guess what… it does! And then you’re all pissed off because you had this lovely glass vase and now, gone. Shattered. Kaput.
Anyway, I haven’t done this yet with this one, but I have noticed something that I thought was worth writing about.
When my walls come down, theirs go up. I think this is because I start any relationship EXTREMELY guarded, and when I start letting someone in, they get this full 100% blast of Tempest that they maybe didn’t expect and certainly weren’t prepared for. Hence: walls. Like oh shit, this girl has a super strong personality and I don’t know how to human anymore! (They probably aren’t thinking that, but you get the gist…)
The new challenge I am now facing is how do I let enough of my true self shine through in the beginning, without feeling vulnerable and afraid to peek over my very well built and well maintained walls. In theory, I should start breaking some of them down. I know this. But guys, I have worked a LONG time on building these bitches up, the idea of tearing them down is terrifying.
Or could it be that I just haven’t met the right person that can handle the me that is scared, and hides, and is afraid to love, but also the me who is passionate, and brave, and over the top? Can I be allowed to have my walls sometimes, but still have someone see me as me? Is that a thing?
Until next time!
…another one bites the dust.
I’m seriously, VERY..VERY close to getting myself to a nunnery. This dating shit is insanely terrible! The next one isn’t too bad, but, ugh. Read on.
This happens to be the most recent guy that I cut off. This guy, codename “Perv,” was extremely cute… except for this stupid goddamn earring. Like, really really cute..butttt also maybe a douche. But, because I thought he was cute and fun, I tried to overlook a lot of stuff. Until..ugh, I just couldn’t anymore. I’m sure you’re wondering, how did this guy get the name Perv? Letttt me just tell you.
This guy, at 33, had responses to general conversation that went something like this:
Tempest: Hey, just got done with hot yoga!
Perv: Oh, I bet you are soaking wet.
Tempest: Sorry I’ve been quiet, crazy busy at work today.. working on a new project.
Perv: I have a project you can work on.
And so on, and so on.
The strange thing is, this guy was completely normal in person. Funny, maybe even charming, did I mention cute? Very cute. But sweet baby Jesus, I felt like I was talking to a prepubescent teenager half of the time.
The other warning signs? If this guy wasn’t making an inappropriate sex joke, he couldn’t take any joke. I tried joking with him several times, and he would make a passive aggressive or condescending comment. Granted, this was via text, so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it got so bad once that I actually called him to clear things up because he responded in such a shitty way. But really, are you 12?
The straw that broke the camels back… apparently homeboy had a little bit of a drinking tendency. Every time I talked to him, he was on the way to the bar, or hungover, or starting to drink again early on. I am not one to judge anyone’s personal preferences, but you are in your 30’s, and it may be time to give that party life a break. What really did it in was when he chose to start his evening at a bar… an evening we were supposed to be meeting up. Instead of going home and changing out of his grungy construction clothes, he was “forced” into going to a bar, and therefore would be late to meet up with me. Yeah no.
By the way, when I told him I wasn’t going to meet up, he proceeded to tell me how put off he was that I decided not to meet up because he had gone out.
Really? Really dude? Do you honestly think that it’s okay to be late for a date because you needed to stop and get a drink?
Nah son. Cheers, I’m out.
Let’s take it from the top on some of my most fun Northeastern dating stories
This one actually isn’t too bad, but the situation irritated me enough to make it to my blog! I went out with a guy kind of randomly on Sunday. Yes, I met this person on the internet, and I KNOW I’m a huge hypocrite, having sworn off online dating at least 71,213 times. But, alas, times are hard for a girl with a strong RBF and an three+ inch height advantage. So, online dating it is.
This guy, for the purpose of anonymity, will be called “Mr. Unresponsive.” This is probably one of the least original nicknames I have ever come up with, because this guy is literally that terrible about responding, and that is the only memorable thing I took away from this encounter.
I’m being mean, I actually really enjoyed myself on the date, but because of what happened after the date, I want to kind of be a bitch about it. I’m a woman, so sue me.
Anyway, Mr. Unresponsive started off as a really bad communicator. Now, I know I am over the top with communication in most circumstances, so I do try to be a little forgiving, especially if I don’t really know someone’s communication style. Anyway, this guy wasn’t really giving me much in the initial chat on the app we matched on, and still didn’t give me a whole lot when we eventually moved to texting. But, I went with it. I thought to myself, hey, maybe it’s a good idea to meet someone with this little information and let it come out on the date, right? Wrong. This is a bad idea.
The date started a little rocky. About an hour before the date, I texted him to confirm we were still on (I do not want to drive and get stood up, yknow?) and he says “Yeah”. So about 30 minutes later I let him know I’m leaving. I don’t hear back from him, but that’s okay, I don’t really need a response.
We were meeting in his town, because me, being a motherfucking nice girl, offered to drive closer to him so he could pick his favorite spot. I am new to the area, after all, and like checking out new places. So, I drive to the place he picks which happens to be right smack in the middle of some goddamn festival. Which means, there is no way to actually get TO the place. My GPS is all “turn left, turn left,” and I’m like damnit bitch I literally can’t. So, I pull over and text him. “Hey, I’m having trouble finding a way to get to this place, or finding somewhere to park, suggestions?” Nothing. No response. Mind you, it is now about 7:05, we were meeting at 7, and my last message to him was that I was on my way, which he also never responded to.
So, I call him. Natural reaction, right? No answer. So I start driving again, trying to at least decipher where the place is and what side street I can park on, in the middle of a festival, in the middle of a town that I know nothing about, in the dark, with anxiety levels rising through the roof. I was pretty irritated.
A few minutes later he calls back, as I am just finding a spot. He is pretty unapologetic when I’m like “Wow, you chose the most inconvenient place ever.” Anyway, I park and make my way to the restaurant.
First impression, he’s not a bad looking dude, not my normal type but he’s alright. We sit down, we eat, we talk, things seem to actually go pretty well, all things considered. It started off rough, but at the end, I actually felt like it was pretty good.
The date ends, and I head out. I text him to tell him I made it home, and had a great time and let me know if he would like to do it again sometime. No response.
Next day. No response.
Next day. I send him a message saying “How’s your day going?” I’m erring on the side of bold, because I know this guy is probably trying to ghost, and I’m just gonna put a feeler out. After all, he was a pretty shitty texter to begin with, so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt.
A full goddamn 72 hours later, this guy finally sends something. At this point, I had already written him off as a punk ass bitch for ghosting. His message?
“I had a good time with you, but I didn’t feel a connection, good luck.”
Alright. So at first glance I think, okay, maybe he’s not a bad guy, at least he finally said something and didn’t leave me hanging. But then, I think about it.
I’m sorry, it took you SEVENTY-TWO HOURS to figure this out? You didn’t “feel a connection?” Is there some type of incubation period on connections that I don’t fucking know about? The fuck??
Anyway, it was one date, and definitely not worth any more of my time than I already wasted on this guy, so I just responded “You too, thanks!” Eat a dick. NEXT!
The hardest thing sometimes in fledgling relationships is seeing red flags. And even harder than seeing the red flags are listening to them, and walking away from them when it’s smart to do so.
Historically, I have had a terrible time with part two of the above statement. I can see red flags all day, sometimes from a mile away, but I am a master at justification. This problem usually rears its ugly head with the emotionally unavailable… those signs are ALWAYS there, yet, do I listen? Nope. Neeewwwp.
On the flip side, are red flags always deal breakers? Do they have to be? Or are they things that one should simply be wary of and use as a warning to proceed with caution? After all, no one is perfect, and when you’re dating in your late 20s – early 30s, it’s really hard to find someone without SOME baggage, amirite?
Here’s the other tough part with red flags, and I know this isn’t something that only I have trouble with (lookin at you, B) – how do we filter out the REALLY bad red flags, the ones we should listen to and/or run away from, before we are emotionally invested in someone? Since these traits don’t always pop up in the first week or two of dating, how do we shield ourselves, while still being open enough to get to know someone? This shit is damn near impossible, people. Or maybe I’m bad at humaning, whatever. But that’s really the ultimate question… how do I know someone’s red flag is a deal breaker, and how do I abort mission before my own feelings are involved?
I don’t have the answers to this, obviously, but one thing I have learned is that people will generally tell you who they are, sometimes it’s just up to us to listen. When a guy says “I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m an asshole,” there’s a really good chance that said guy is, in fact, an asshole. Girls are just notoriously bad for hearing what we want to hear, or making excuses to make a square peg fit in a round hole. Oh well. C’est la vie.
Until next time,
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may have read an aside where I mentioned that one of the ways to get to my heart is to be 6’3. If you haven’t been reading my blog for a while, for shame, reader, for shame!! Anyway, I picked 6’3 as a very specific height, and here’s why. I’m 5’10, so you would think I would LOVE a guy who is way super taller than me, like 6’3+. To be honest, I used to. When I met a guy who was 6’5, I would get all giddy, like “Ohemgeeee I get to feel like a little princess like all these short bitches!!” Right?! WRONG.
Here’s the thing about tall guys. Every inch above 6’3, they get an extra asshole point. I’m blanketing this statement…I’m sure there are guys that are very tall and very kind and generous, but the ones I’ve met and dated overall have been pretty strong in the douchebaggery category. Super tall guys think they’re hotter than they are, because they are tall, they get to act like a 9 when in real life they’re barely pushing a 7. Super tall guys think the world has to look up to them and they feel entitled. Super tall guys don’t stop fucking talking about how super tall they are. Yo homie, we can see you! Basically, super tall guys have an aura of being able to treat anyone however they want, because they’re “above you”.
I have said this to tall guys before, usually ones in that safe sub-6’3 zone, and they usually agree, but then point out that shorter guys have the Napoleon complex thing going on. If that is to be believed, that means that all women are basically fucked, because we get either tall assholes or short angry chihuahuas, right? Also wrong. There is definitely a sweet spot, and that sweet spot is 100% accented by character. Guys falling in the average height range seem to have a little more personality, versus guys going into the above average range that start getting cockier by the inch. I can attest to some guys having Napoleon complex in the shorter range, but that’s usually when the extreme lower quartile (5’5 or shorter, in my experience.) With all of this very proven scientific evidence, it is safe to assume the sweet spot probably lies between about 5’6 and about 6’2, give or take. Every inch above 6’3, there is a really good chance you are flirting dangerously with asshole category, and anyone above 6’5, forget it.
All in all, height, while it can be very important, doesn’t outweigh someone’s disposition. I don’t tend to date people shorter than me, not because I judge them at all (you can’t control your height), but because I’m essentially some kind of Amazon woman and I feel humongo in that scenario. However, I would much rather date someone shorter than me than someone who is a complete dick and doesn’t know how to treat other humans.
As a disclaimer, if you’re a tall guy reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure there are some good eggs out there. If you’re a tall guy reading this and you are, in fact an asshole, stop. You can still change your ways, and giving a shit about people is way way sexier than just acting like you’re the shit, all the time.
Dating apps. They’re everywhere. There is one for every walk of life, and they keep popping up. They’re out of control. The swiping needs to stop!
Here’s the problem, at least as I see it. There are way too many options, and everyone is always looking for the next best thing, instead of organically getting to know someone. I’m speaking from both experience and observation here.
While I like to think that I’m some dashingly beautiful girl that could just pick up guys wherever I go, realistically, I apparently can come off as intimidating (5’10 and a mean resting bitch face is my best guess) and I tend to stick with my friends when out and about, instead of going full social butterfly mode. Plus, most of my hobbies are pretty much solo… reading, blogging, running, and Netflix binging, basically, so little opportunity in that arena. That leaves work (probably a bad idea), friends of friends (but then you have friendcest) and stupid online dating. So yeah, I’ve done it. And…
I. Hate. It.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great way to meet people that you may not have met otherwise. Besides that pro though, there are WAY more cons.
- Nothing is organic. You go into meeting this person with the intent of something… maybe not a relationship, but something more than just bumping into each other and getting to know each other as friends.
- Speaking of being friends… there’s little opportunity for that. You’re almost guaranteed to start as “dating,” or maybe FWB if you’re on a dicier app (coughtindercough). For me, this is really tough, because I would much prefer to be friends with someone before being in a relationship.
- Everyone is talking to everyone else. Maybe I just have some deep rooted trust issues, but it’s very hard for me to believe that someone is matching with me, talking to only me, and not comparing me to 345 other girls that they’re talking to. I’m probably doing it to some extent, so why wouldn’t you be?
- HOW DO I EVEN KNOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY SINGLE? HOW?!
- People swipe while emotional or when drunk. Maybe this isn’t 100% true, but I’ve done it, and I know friends that do it: the emotional swipe. You have a bad day and need attention, or you go through a breakup…swipe away. Drunk obviously creates a beer goggle experience where you are just matching with people that you may not have matched with otherwise. As a reminder: there are people on the other end of that picture. Matching with someone in an emotional or drunk situation may be okay for you, but it kinda sucks for them.
- People misrepresent themselves, like… a lot. Hey guys..newsflash! 5’9 doth not equal 6’0. Nor does 5’10. Or 5’11. 6’0=6’0. If you meet someone, they will be able to tell you were lying about this. Through my online dating experience, I discovered that 6’0 was basically the “average” number that guys like to round to for their height. 6’1 seems to be pretty safe, but for some reason, people really like to hit that 6. By the way,it’s okay to be 5’9 and own that shit. I would rather know that going in so I DON’T wear 4 inch heels and tower over you. Just be honest. Also, I really don’t care what you looked like in high school, so how about let’s NOT use that pic, k?
- Different apps often have different end goals, and a lot of people cater to that with multiple profiles. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve found a guy on multiple apps with completely different profiles. I understand trying to know your audience a little bit, but what am I really supposed to go by here? “Just looking for fun and a ‘partner in crime'” is the same guy saying he’s “hoping to be great friends first and build on it” WHAT THE ASS,… no wonder I have trust issues. If you have multiple apps, chances are most of your potential matches do too. Also can everyone just cut that partner in crime shit out?!?! I’d be perfectly happy with a partner in pizza.
- Check-boxes. This can happen in any relationship, but it seems to happen a lot with online dating. They’re attractive, check. They like food, check.They have a job, and hopefully a car, check. You like music?! OMG IIIII like music too! Check. Here’s the thing about the check-boxes. Think about the best relationship you ever had, friendship or romantic. Did you subject that person to a list of questions before you decided they would be a good friend or partner? Probably not. This kind of ties back into the whole “organic” thing, but you can’t base a relationship solely on the things you have in common, or things you think you want. It’s great to have morals and values, but you could be ruling out a lot of good potentials by making them pass a qualifier test to talk to you. One of my biggest pet peeves in this arena is education level. I have several friends and have come across several people who will not date someone without a college degree. I understand the rationale behind this, but I also think that ruling someone out for this reason alone is somewhat closed minded. For example, I do not have a college degree. I was in school when I had a lot of life changes that required me to be self-supportive, and I started working, and gradually stopped going to school. I now have a great career AND am going back to school, something very hard to juggle and that few people can do. Does this make me inadequate as a human? To many, it does, and that’s honestly very sad (for them, not me, because I’m brilliant and awesome lol).
- People act differently when dealing with a screen than they do with a human. When I tried online dating, it was for one main reason… time. I work a lot and my work can be mentally exhausting, and when I’m out with friends, I want to focus on my friends, not trying to meet some random dude. This seems to be the reason that probably…I don’t know, 40-50% of the people I’ve ran into share. And that’s okay, it makes sense in today’s busy world. There are another 20-25% that are looking for hookups, and then another 25% or so that DO NOT. KNOW HOW. TO HUMAN. Seriously. These people can come across as very normal electronically, but in person.. it’s just not clicking. This can be terrifying, especially if they’re good at the normal conversation online, so you go into an IRL meeting expecting the same thing and… wow. yeah. Next.
- Courtship. I really miss being courted. Online dating kind of eliminates that to an extent. Okay so bear with me.. I know I said earlier that maybe jumping right into a romantic situation seems unnatural and that I dislike it, and saying that I want to be courted kind of contradicts that. But let’s just assume that you meet someone, you hang out a few times, and you feel like you know what.. I do kind of dig that person. At that point, why is it okay to not try to impress them and put in that extra effort? Yes, I’m sure there are guys out there who would do that, but it seems to be the exception these days instead of the rule.
I could probably go on and on about this, but those are the top ten reasons that I’ve decided that I hate online dating. I know many people have had successful relationships using these platforms but for me… #singleforever!