keep this a secret.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Has anyone ever felt like they were being kept a secret before? I have, and it’s terrible.
Before I kick off this post, let’s get a few things straight.
Now that that’s done..
I met someone, and the situation is still very new, but this person makes me very happy and it’s simultaneously thrilling and terrifying. Since I like to keep things anonymous here, this new person will be referred to as Bear, or B, depending on my level of laziness.
I’ve written before about how I struggle with staying happy and positive. I attribute this to a very realistic and logical view on the world and how hard it can be, and the circumstances that I personally have dealt with in life… losing my mother, having a failed marriage, and the family issues that have popped up over the past few years. I try so hard to be happy, and to be a light for anyone that I come in contact with. I succeed sometimes, and sometimes I fail. But I try. Even with effort, though, it can be hard to push through the bullshit sometimes and really feel inexplicably happy. I can honestly say, at the time of writing this, that this person is making me feel exactly that.
I would say I don’t know how it happened, but I know exactly how the stars aligned for these things to fall into place. One, I was very happy with life in general. I had found out a few days prior to meeting Bear that I was getting a promotion… not just a promotion, mind you, but two job offers for a promotion that allowed me the freedom to choose. Then, I got to go see my all time favorite band over the weekend at the beach to celebrate. I was riding pretty high. And then, this guy pops up. I met him on one of those godforsaken dating apps, and honestly, I was very close to the point of removing them from my life again. We only talked for a couple of days, but it was all great. He’s so smart. And funny. And charming. And cute. I was immediately enthralled. Our conversations were fun, sometimes silly, sometimes serious, always engaging. That continued on into our first date. He had me laughing immediately, and everything was so easy and natural. I didn’t want the night to end. I was high on happiness, and it was amazing.
Since then, we’ve seen each other quite often. I can’t get enough of him, and that is a very new feeling for me. As someone who has always been insanely self reliant, it’s strange to let myself be vulnerable with someone new, especially this quickly. But for reasons beyond my explanation, I feel a connection with B that I didn’t really think possible in the amount of time that we’ve known each other. Sweet jesus, this is mushy.
Anyway, I realize that this is still early, and things could change. I hope they don’t, though. I know that being open to happiness also means I’m opening myself up to potential hurt. For this one, though, I am surprisingly okay with it.
More to come!
Ugh, guys, I downloaded a dating app AGAIN! I do not learn from my mistakes, I swear.
However, I must say, I’ve done exceptionally well with weeding out the bullshit. I think this is largely in part to my several month hiatus where I took a few steps back and got real with myself on what I want out of life, and now, these fuckboys can’t bother me because they sure as hell can’t stop me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life feels like it’s divided into chapters. The delineation becomes more and more clear with each step and each change. It’s scary to think about just how much I’ve changed sometimes.. and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that younger, simpler me. The one who didn’t have the walls yet from being hurt. The one who hadn’t almost died and developed some serious anxiety because of it. The one who still had her mother by her side.
I think I’m on.. chapter 47 or so right now. If I could rip a chapter out of the book, it would obviously be the whole “getting married too young to a dickface jerkwad” part. If I could re-read one chapter over and over, it would be ones about the last 4 years where I’ve learned to be myself and made friends that could appreciate who I am as well.
Okay, enough depth. Let’s talk about this fucking dating world and this app I have downloaded. Before I get too into the app, let me share my recent romantic interactions. These aren’t all dates, just… interactions.
That brings you up to speed on the past 3 months of my dating life! I have a couple of prospects on the app still, so we will see where that leads.
Until next time,
Happy almost spring, everyone! I apologize for my lack of posting… it turns out that even when I’m not dating I keep myself way too damn busy. The next few weeks are going to be quite the whirlwind!
It is only a few days away from spring, and we have gotten about a foot of snow up my way. Fun times for this southern girl. Hopefully it’ll be over soon and we can get some damn sunshine.
Anyway, I’ve been having a few revelations lately and wanted to jot them down before they left me forever. I’ve been doing the no-dating thing for a couple of weeks now. So, let me just preface this, I will still go on dates, just no online dating. If I happen to meet someone organically, fair game. I am not seeking anyone or anything though. I really have tried to shift my focus to myself. I have found that when I was trying so hard to date, I was really looking for someone who could complete part of me, and make me feel whole, instead of focusing on feeling that way on my own. Now that I am looking at things through this new “I’mma do me” lens, that is glaringly obvious.
I’ve hit 50 posts! Well, 51 now. Enjoy a lovely photo from my most recent adventure!
My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I went on a cruise (yay!) and also had a really solid therapy session this week, which made me a little introspective. I didn’t want to write anything until I had polished up my thoughts and determined the direction I wanted to go with my next post.
First off, cruise was great, yay! I love water.. it gives me life, it makes me happy, and it cures everything.
On to the tough stuff, though. I don’t know how much I’ve written about this before, so if this is repetitive, I apologize. I started going to grief counseling a few months after my mom passed away in 2013. I found that counseling is very therapeutic for me, so continued going regularly. Now it’s a very real part of my life. I am not too prideful to admit that I need help, a lot sometimes. I still deal with hardships as it relates to the grieving process and missing my mom, but most of my counseling sessions nowadays center around my own self worth and growth.
Hey, it’s 2017, and guys are still the worst.
I was supposed to be going out on a date recently, and the guy cancelled on me last minute because he didn’t feel well.
This sounds so innocent and normal, right? Where could I possibly be going with this? Welp, let’s rewind a little bit.
Up until 2013, I loved my birthday, and everything about it. I would make everything a huge birthday bash, and usually would have a pretty good turn out. Since 2013, I still stay very busy around my birthday.. but unfortunately, since then, the birthday excitement is also accompanied by impending birthday dread.
It’s not just the getting older. That’s life, and it kinda sucks, and I do feel a little closer to dying alone every year… but it really boils down to my mom. I’ve written about this before, but my mom made a big fuss about everything holiday and birthday related. She always went over the top for any kinds of celebrations. It was annoying sometimes, but it also made things special. Especially birthdays. It felt like someone was always celebrating you.
Am I a misanthrope? Truly? Or am I just fed up with the way people act these days? Find out next time on Tempest Wants to Throat Punch People on a Regular Basis.
In all seriousness though, I’ve really started to get a little pissed off at the way people act. I don’t understand why people find it so hard to not be a dick to others. Granted, I am not the nicest person in the world, but I do try to be a good person overall. When someone needs help, I try to be there for them. When someone needs to talk, I try to listen. It’s really not even hard to do this. The problem is, there are so many people out there that just.. don’t. People just act like they can treat others any sort of way, and that it’s okay and doesn’t impact them.
After much consideration, I think I’ve determined where some of this treatment comes from. In today’s technology age, people aren’t real. I’ve written about this a little bit in terms of dating, but it actually expands to just general human nature. Everyone is interacting behind a screen, and virtue of having a real, human connection is getting lost.
The scary thing about this is that it’s not going to change or get any better anytime soon. People will continue relying on technology more and more, until it’s too late and the
machines rise and take over and we lose our fundamental ability to connect. This isn’t a dating post, but I do think this contributes to my own relationship woes… many of the guys I’ve dated are guys that I met via the internet, so they could treat me however they wanted, and it was okay but I was not a person, but a character on the interwebs.
Everyone is interacting behind a screen, and virtue of having a real, human connection is getting lost.
I’m making a vow to myself this year to get away from the screen. Not a resolution, mind you, but the commitment to have real, human, connections. I realize that one person won’t be what makes a difference, but maybe in this experiment I can help others connect too. If nothing else, maybe it’ll help me become a better person, and find people who aren’t complete dicks about how they live their life and treat other people.
I know I mostly seem to only write about my mediocre love life, but I actually have been wanting to start up a new category for a while. I figure, we have a new year upon us, so why not now?
This new category is called Lyrically Speaking. Aside from spending my time trying to figure out my fucked up life, I really love music. I am not musically inclined, but I grew up dancing (ballet, not exotic, for any pervs out there) and music has always spoken to me.
I find that there is no situation in life that can’t be expressed through music. Anytime I feel down or out, or high and happy, there is always music to back up the mood.
I can also sometimes get a read on a mood before I even really accept it based solely on the type of music I listen to. I’m a huge 311 fan
atic, and I notice that when I’m getting into a funk, I’m more likely to listen to 311. Their lyrics are positive, uplifting, and have gotten me through many a bluesy day.
I also have a pretty strong emo kid hiding inside me. I still listen to Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, Panic! at the Disco.. etc..etc… etc.
Anyway, now that you know the background on this shiny new category, welcome to Lyrically Speaking! I hope you enjoy!