Up until 2013, I loved my birthday, and everything about it. I would make everything a huge birthday bash, and usually would have a pretty good turn out. Since 2013, I still stay very busy around my birthday.. but unfortunately, since then, the birthday excitement is also accompanied by impending birthday dread.
It’s not just the getting older. That’s life, and it kinda sucks, and I do feel a little closer to dying alone every year… but it really boils down to my mom. I’ve written about this before, but my mom made a big fuss about everything holiday and birthday related. She always went over the top for any kinds of celebrations. It was annoying sometimes, but it also made things special. Especially birthdays. It felt like someone was always celebrating you.
Holidays are always tough, but birthdays, for me, are the worst. Why? Because everyone celebrates holidays. And in my case, most of my friends and definitely my family know that it’s gonna be a little tough, but birthdays.. nope, no one thinks about that. Hell, most of the people in my life don’t even know when my birthday is, or how hard it hits me these days.
My 31st birthday is a mere 2 weeks away, and I feel so empty about it. I have a ton of fun events planned, but there are two things on my mind… one, another year that I’m moving on in life, without my mom. And two, the fact that while I do have friends, I don’t know that I really have a lot of people in my life that completely have my back. The second point I’ve written about before, but the first one I haven’t really gone into recently, so in the spirit of venting… I’m going to write a little bit about that.
The thing that sucks about losing a parent at a young age is all of the things that they don’t get to see. This is one of the things that comes up for me around birthdays.. not just mine, but even some of my family members. My nephew, for example. Not only did my mom miss my sister creating this bomb ass clone of herself, she also misses seeing her grandson grow up every day. She misses seeing my aunt loving her life at the beach and getting to be her own woman without a toxic asshole husband. She misses seeing her nieces and nephews grow up into badass, smart, artistic young adults.
And for me, I feel like I’ve accomplished so much and not a day (or a birthday) goes by that I wish she couldn’t be here to see it, and to push me along even more. Or, to talk me off the ledge when I’m literally losing my mind over all of the shit I feel like I’m battling in life right now.
So, that’s where I am, here on the verge of 31. Still missing my mom, still trying to move forward.
Until next time –