Category: Time To Get Real.

getting a little shifty..

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I’m writing this from a train, because per C, there is something very literary about writing on a train and I figured I would own it and let the power of the train fuel my creative juices (or something whimsical like that?)

I am coming out of the slump I have been in for the past couple of weeks. The bitterness has definitely subsided and I’m coming to terms with a few things. I’ve also entered a bit of a paradigm shift when it comes to dating.. as in, I’m back off of it for the goal of dating. Hmm.. Let me talk about these things in order before I ramble too much.

The Attack of the Blues:
Moving across the country at 30 years old is REALLY hard. Like, legitimately really hard. It’s emotionally traumatic. I don’t use the word traumatic lightly, if that tells you anything.

I realize a lot of people do this, and I myself have moved several times in my life, but I’ve always had some type of a buffer that I didn’t have on this move. My first “big” move was moving away for college, which I went with my high school best friend and then roommate. The second time was with my ex husband for his job. The third time was leaving my ex husband, so I literally couldn’t get away fast enough, and I also was moving in with a good friend which lessened the blow of moving to a brand new place.

This time, though… this time. I moved for work, and while I do have an amazing job… work is not all that it takes to fulfill you. I know this, and I knew this going in. As much as I was aware of the facts, however, I am also extremely impatient. I am not good at waiting for things to come together… I would much rather them simply fall into place. When they inevitably didn’t, I got more and more frustrated with my situation.

Here’s where this gets a little tougher. I pride myself on my ability to connect with people, and I LOVE being around people. When I enter any kind of slump or get bluesy.. two things happen. 1. I lose my amazing personality and ability to connect, and 2. I push people away  (see: push and you’ll find out exactly what I mean). The end result? I’m lonely and grumpy and sad. Blech. Life can really be a bitch sometimes, amirite?

I decided to do something about it. And I thought. A lot. Which led to…

The Comeback!:

I have realized over the past 4 weeks of being lonely, stressed, sad, disorganized, and a general emotional wreck that I am exceptionally terrible at taking care of my self. Okay, okay… I know I’ve maybe mentioned this before (read: no)… I am a caretaker of others, and I do tend to ignore myself and my needs. But this alone time has really shown me just how much I do that. When the option to take care of others was removed.. I was forced to look at what I do for myself. Which, as it turns out, is very little.

So, I started.

I started to hold myself accountable to doing the things that I want to do.

I started pushing myself outside of my boundaries. I put myself in situations I wouldn’t be comfortable with to meet new friends. I went to a new yoga class. I joined a book club. I put my phone away and read for hours, with no social media or texting to interrupt me. I took myself to the movies (truth be told, I’ve always done that, but hey, it counts).

What I’ve learned through this is my personal obligations for myself are just as important, if not more important, as they are to anyone else. I can take care of me, and doing that feels really good.

 

With all that said, this comeback is still 100% a work in progress. I have a lot of growing to do before I really can say I completely have my shit together. I’m moving in the right direction though, and that can only mean good things.

xoxo, Tempest.

push.

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Ok…well, I have been complete shit at writing lately, so I’ll give you guys a deep one today.

Over the past year or so, I’ve done a lot of self-exploration and been very honest with myself about some of my own shortcomings. Sometimes brutally honest, which is a little tough, but it does feel good to have these self realizations.

One of the things I’ve realized about myself that I have been completely unable to work on is my constant desire to push people away. It’s a natural reaction for me, and happens almost as soon as I start feeling like I like someone. I even do it to friends. Sometimes I think that maybe this comes from losing my mom, and wanting to push people away to protect myself, but sometimes I also think it’s just because I want to prove that people will leave me. It’s like some fucked up version of psychological torture and self sabotage. But, as much as I hate it, I still do it.

The really shitty thing is.. I even know when I’m doing it, and I can’t even stop in most cases. I will pick a fight, push, do whatever I need to do to give someone an “out,” and then act upset when they actually take it. Like no shit they’re gonna bounce, I’m fuckin nuts sometimes!

I don’t want to continue doing this, and I know in order to stop I really need to get to the root of why I do this. I don’t want to be alone, I want to have people there for me, but I have to find out how to open up and let them be there. By the way, if anyone has any ideas or pointers, please feel free to share 🙂

So, over the next several months, I am going to be focusing on not pushing people out, and just being open and not trying to give someone a reason to need an out. I mean all things aside, I am pretty strong and badass 99% of the time, even with my flaws.

xoxo, Tempest.

 

untethered.

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I’ve been out of my element for about two weeks now, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t wearing on me a little bit. It is very strange. I feel… Out of sorts. I don’t really know anyone here. When I say this to my friends back home everyone is like, “What, you? You have all kinds of friends!” No, no. I do not have many, if any, friends here. I have acquaintances. I’m surprisingly adept at making acquaintances, to the point where I would consider meeting people and striking a common chord a super power.

People who have my back though… Different story altogether.

Mix that with my amazingly wide open social calendar and yeah, not the best feeling in the world I guess. I’m not used to having nothing to do, and it gets me down. It puts me in a spot where I want to just do nothing. I don’t feel like going out and meeting people and having to be cool girl right now. I don’t feel like having to put on a smile 24 fucking 7 when really I want to veg out and feel sorry for myself. Work is great, and I’m damn good at my job, but fuck, I’m lonely. I’m not good at being lonely. Being alone, absolutely. Lonely… Not so much.

The worst part is, I don’t even have anyone I can really talk to about it. My friends back home are trucking along. I don’t have anyone here really so… I guess I can talk to my cat? Ugh. This life.

Anyway, hopefully this won’t last long. I’m going to try and just focus on work and getting my new place all prettied up and go from there. It’ll work out, one way or another. It always does.

xoxo, Tempest.

 

tempest.

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As I have mentioned before, I use a pseudonym to stay anonymous on this blog, and that name is Tempest. This of course, comes from Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, which starts out with a pretty fucked up magical storm. I picked this name for a pseudonym because more often than not, I have a pretty stormy personality. It usually applies more to myself than to my situation..until recently. Because damn, if I’m not in a storm right now.

I have written quite a bit recently about my move from the dirty South up to the Northeast. It’s been a bit crazy, and I have definitely gone through a whirlwind of emotions. I’m sad to have left behind the place I’ve called home for the last several years. I almost feel guilty for leaving my friends, even though I know I did it for the right reasons.

I know I’ve said it before, but holy shit I’m terrified that I’m going to just fail and fall flat on my face up here. I don’t know if I will really meet people, people that will have my back. Knowing coworkers is one thing, and I have some great friends that I’ve made over the years that started as coworkers. But what if I don’t meet anyone that I can really connect with? What if I make the same mistakes with friends and relationships that I’ve made my whole life? What if I end up not only alone, but ridiculously unhappy?

One of my biggest fears is feeling like I will never really fit in anywhere. That I will always be the odd one out. I will never truly belong.

These are the thoughts going through my head during this uprooting. These kinds of thoughts, on top of the fact that I am still trying to get settled, spending a shit ton of money on furnishing a new place, and trying to find a groove in general. It’s a lot. Oh, this is all happening whilst I am still working my old job and my new one, by the way. I’m hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully I will start to see it soon.

change.

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I suspect I will be posting a lot more in the coming weeks, since I have so much change ahead of me and will need to go on a few rants here and there.

Tonight is my final night in Atlanta. Phew. It has absolutely not sunk in yet.

I have been reflecting today on how I want to use this upcoming fresh start to my advantage. I have this golden opportunity to start brand new, and to really be the person I want to be. The question is… who the fuck is that?

To tackle this question, I’ve come up with three main focus areas for my new life.

One of the problems I find myself running into is that I don’t really know how to let myself let go sometimes. I am lacking a chill zone. I like to plan, I like things to go accordingly, I like when things fall into place. But the thing about life is.. it doesn’t really like letting that happen. And then I end up stressed out, anxious, worried, pushing people away, getting myself into a funk and… for what? Step one in new life: Chill. The Fuck. Out.

Another recurring theme in my life is my problems with interpersonal relationships. I used to think this was just romantic relationships, but I have recently realized I have issues with pretty much all relationships. I am great at making friends and being very social, but I am not so good at connecting with people on a deeper level. This is partially because I keep a pretty solid wall up to protect myself, which does work but… while it keeps me safe, it also keeps people from being able to get to know the truly weird and wonderful me. Step two in new life: Be who I really am, and if people don’t like it they can suck it. 

The third step is the hardest. I am deathly afraid of ending up alone or not being cared about. I say I am happy being single, and in a lot of ways I am, but in many ways I feel like I’m always looking for that next great love. However, I also know that before I conquer steps 1&2, I am not ready for it, and all I am doing is setting myself up for failure if I try to force it. I. am not. ready. I know that. I can’t let things flow, I am not open. As mentioned above, I know this, and am ready to take the steps to get there, but logically, I need to be alone. I need to be alone to experience my life and what I want out of it before I try to bring another person in at that level. Step three in new life: stand strong by myself, for myself. 

My next post will be from another state!! Woooo!

xoxo, Tempest.

departure.

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So hey, I’m moving in like.. 3 days. When do I get to FULLY freak out? Now? Is now okay?

Realistically, I have had about 1.5 solid panic attacks this week. One real good one, the other I was able to catch and kill before it really took hold. Now, as I sit here and wait for Salvation Army to come pick up a ton of shit, I am finally starting to feel a little tiny bit okay with everything. It is definitely going to be really hard the next few days, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And with that, I decided maybe it was a good time to jot down a few reasons to be excited! Read More

A note. 

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Um, I’m moving in a week. The freak out is beginning. AHHHHHHHHHH. 

no.

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Hey guys! Just a few quick updates here. One, I updated my theme, and I hope you noticed, because you visit SO often. Two, I was thinking back to something I posted about a month ago (That time I decided it was okay to say no.) and the impacts it has had on my life.

If you haven’t done this, I challenge you to try it. When you think you are going with the flow or a group or a crowd or even just societal expectations, say NO. Say no for you, and do whatever the fuck you want to do.

I have really enjoyed this new “No-Saying-Tempest” that I’ve become.

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To be honest, saying no feels good. It feels empowering. I feel like I have finally gotten some of my.. me.. back, if that makes sense. My “no” extravaganza started with ex-flames. If you have read any of my blog, you know at this point that I SUCK at dating and romantic involvement of any kind. I have a couple of guys that I have, over the years, had trouble letting go of. Those were the first to get a no from me. No, I don’t need to pretend to be your friend, I don’t need to be nice to you, I don’t need you, so why say yes and keep something toxic in my life?

The next step was harder…friends. I have held onto a lot of friendships that hurt me too, and it was time to take the step in freeing myself from that. This, honestly, is still a tough one for me, but I know at the end of the day I am taking care of myself and creating boundaries for others to respect.

So again, take some time to figure out what it is in your life that drains you, and start saying no to it. It’s hard, I won’t lie. Especially after a lifetime of conceding to others and trying to compromise, it is very very hard sometimes. But the feeling when you get through to the other side is so amazingly worth it.

 

xoxo, Tempest.

mom.

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When I started this blog, it was meant to be a release for me… a way to get things out and off my chest. For the most part, I’ve done that, but I have been holding off, for one reason or another, on writing about a very important sad hurtful tough emotional subject, which is my mom.

My mom passed away in 2013. I had just turned 27. I had just gotten divorced. I had just watched my mom battle with and eventually lose the battle to cancer. I wasn’t there when my mom passed away, because I lived about 7 hours away. In the days before her passing, my mom was put on hospice, so we knew it would be coming fast. I had planned on coming up that weekend to be with my family, but something in my gut told me to head out early. I was on the road, about 3 hours into my trip, when I got the call from my sister with the news.

The hardest thing about my mother’s death actually wasn’t the part where she left this earth. It was the months and years preceding it that she spent.. leaving. My mom had a rare blood cancer that caused a lot of organ issues, including kidney failure, resulting in the need for a kidney transplant, and bone pain. Patients typically lived 3-5 years. My mom lived survived 8. I can’t say lived, because after a few years, when the pain began to become more than she could deal with, she spent most of her time in bed and on various pain medications. It became hard to deal with the situation and seeing her attitude and personality change.

There are a lot of things that happened in those years that have shaped the person I am today, some good and some bad. I hate that sometimes it is hard to remember the good, because so much of my adult life was spent with the bad. Nevertheless, when things get tough, I can’t help but be reminded of my mom’s spirit and how strong she was for me before she got sick.

My mom had a spirit that couldn’t be tamed. She was the strongest woman I knew for most of my adolescent years, even though she had her faults. She was always ready to face a challenge and find ways to overcome them. As an adult now, I often think back to times in my life when my mom shouldn’t have been able to pull off the things she did. She left home young, got married and had kids young, but still managed to achieve her career goals. When money was tight, she still found ways to give everyone in my family extravagant gifts at Christmas. When her credit should have been shot, she still found a way to keep a roof over our heads. I know it had to be tough and she had to be stressed out, but we never saw that, and she always came out okay.

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It’s been almost 4 years since her passing, but I still find that in certain situations, there is nothing more that I want than to be able to call up my mom and just talk. I hate that in the last few years of her life, I couldn’t always do that, because of the toll her condition and the medication had taken on her, and I wish nothing more than to be able to have those pre-cancer years back.

Right now, I’m going through a huge life change, it is definitely one of those times that I just want to talk to my mom. To ask her, what would you do, what should I do?  To vent about the things that I’m sure my friends are sick of hearing about, but the kind of things that moms never get tired of listening to. To share in my success in my career. To show her I’m working hard to become a woman she would be proud to call her daughter, every single day.

tempest.

PS. If you can call your mom, hug her, tell her that you love her, go ahead and take a moment to do so.

fear.

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I’m officially the worst post-a-weeker there ever was. I have not been writing very much lately because, well, I have had a ton of shit going on. Some major life changes, scary shit type of shit.

The good news: I got a REALLY great promotion at work. As in, the kind of stuff I love doing.. project management, lots of partnership, communication.. all the things I want in a job. It’s on a great team and reports to a great boss.

The bad news: it’s in New Jersey.

Now before you get all huffy about how bad New Jersey is… I worked up there for a few weeks this year and while it didn’t completely grow on me, I realized I could live there. It’s not bad, at least in the area I will be in when I relocate. Yes, it’s more expensive in general than Georgia, yes, it snows. But overall, I like the Northeast, I get to leave the fiery gates of hell they call “summer” in the South, I’m the same distance to my family in Virginia, and I’ll be doing what I love.

Also, I think I’m at least 10% hotter in the north, but I digress.

Leaving Atlanta is very scary, because I’ve made some great friends and memories during my time here. Going to a new place is equally scary, although I do already have some friends there. Finding a place is stressing me the fuck out. This is primarily the reason that I haven’t written lately, because I literally cannot tear myself away from Zillow, Trulia, Forrent.com, Hotpads, and any other rental finding website you can think of. I. Am. Obsessed. 

I’ve written about my anxiety before, and this plays a big part in it. Not knowing where I’m going to live is causing me major feelings of panic right now. I also live in a house full of people right now, and will be venturing out of the nest and into my own home for the first time in a while. So, more bills, yay!

Also, the whole thought of moving is just ridiculous. I do have help with the moving itself, but sweet baby Jesus I’ve collected a lot of stuff over the years. Going through all of the odds and ends is just daunting.. I am tempted to start fresh and burn the rest.

moving-was-a-great-idea-until-i-started-packing-2ec10

Anyway, I’ll be making the trip up this weekend to try to find a suitable place to live. Hopefully, once that is done I can get to the fun stuff..like..decorating! And working my ass off in a new job!

Until next time, xoxo..Tempest.