Category: Time To Get Real.

drained.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’ve written a lot about my struggles with romantic relationships on this blog, but lately I’ve also thought about friendships, and how I have let the toxic ones impact me over the years. The same problems that get me in trouble with dating also get me in trouble with friendships, but it usually takes much, much longer for me to realize it. If I’ve invested a lot of time and energy, saying no or stepping away from someone becomes very hard for me, if not damn near impossible.

It’s time to say no. I have to learn to say no to things that are not okay for me.

My problem, you see, is I naturally want to take care of people. This means I tend to seek out romantic partners and friends that probably need to be taken care of in some way. Not calling anyone broken, but I tend to find people that are maybe not whole enough in themselves to be in a functional, healthy relationship themselves. In dating, I find out VERY quickly that my natural tendency to “caretake” won’t be reciprocated (note, I don’t always expect it to be, but you know.. it is nice sometimes damnit). In friendships, however, it can take months or years to find out that some people just don’t care or maybe aren’t worth the investment.

The end result is I spend a lot of time trying to make people happy, and in return I am left drained. 

I’ve talked to my therapist quite a bit about this, and how I can work on determining where to draw my own boundaries. I do have some very great friends, but I have many over the years that I have given my power to, and it’s gotten me hurt. I’ve put my trust in people that I thought would have my back, when all they wanted to do was thrust a knife into it for their own means. Sadly, in a lot of these situations I’ve seen the writing on the wall, but I’m so scared to just say “no” to someone that I still let it happen. I don’t want to look like a bitch, or look selfish, or look like I don’t care about someone that I’m close to. I’ve realized now that although it might hurt to put up these boundaries, and it may be hard for me to say no, it’s going to hurt a whole hell of a lot worse when I inevitably get burned by someone exhibiting these red flags. 

As much as I wish to have the power to do so, I can’t change anyone. All I can change is myself, the amount of myself that I am willing to give to other people, and how I react to situations. I am the writer of my own story, and the only one who gets to say how I live my life is me.

the little things.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

I am stuck at work today… and I woke up being a little pissed off about it, especially watching all my friends and family have a grand ole time while I am tethered to a desk. I then thought about how utterly selfish this actually is. Celebrating Memorial Day is more than just the start of the summer season and an extra day off of work, it represents those who sacrificed for us to enjoy the life we have today. And while that life may seem hard sometimes, I thought I would take a few moments to reflect on the little things that I get to enjoy just by being alive, in this country, in this day and age.

For the most part, we have it good. There is a lot of heat right now over politics, for obvious reasons, but even in the WORST case scenario on the upcoming election (insert your version of worst case scenario here).. we still have a lot more freedom and privilege than many people throughout the world. Yes, I started this post with complaining about work.. but, on the flip-side, as an American woman I have the opportunity to work… I can earn my own living, I can progress in the workforce with more equality than existed 50 years ago. I can stand by myself and make my own way, I can be independent, I can build the life I want. BY MYSELF. That’s pretty enviable, if you ask me. I have the freedom to write my thoughts down for the entire internet to read…even though it’s really like, 5 people, the entire internet COULD, in theory, read this. Not only that, but I can choose to be married or divorced or a cat-lady or whatever I want, I can live my life without having kids and that’s okay, and I can vote. Boom.

Take some time to reflect today on the reasons you are proud to be an American. Now that I’ve gotten the serious stuff out of the way, here are a few miscellaneous on why I efffing love this country.

  1. McDonald’s Coke. I’m 900000% sure no other country’s McDonald’s has the exact formula that ours does. It’s effective at both being refreshing and curing hangovers.
  2. We don’t eat cats, I get to just have my cat and no one will take her and eat her. I’m pretty sure about this, anyway.
  3. AIR CONDITIONING FUCK YES.
  4. Beer. Craft beer, specifically. Yes, I know other countries have this. Ours is better.
  5. We are a melting pot of cultures and ethnic backgrounds. I can date whoever I want and it’s pretty much okay now, which is kind of amazing.
  6. Freedom of religion, or lack thereof. I’m not an overly religious person, but I do think it’s very interesting, especially hearing about other religious practices and belief systems.
  7. Super fast pizza delivery.
  8. Football.
  9. Bacon. And Cheese. On. EVERYTHING.
  10. People can dress in flags and it’s really nbd, and that’s awesome.

Murica.

XOXO, Tempest.

swipe.

.Reading time 10 minutes.

Dating apps. They’re everywhere. There is one for every walk of life, and they keep popping up. They’re out of control. The swiping needs to stop!

Here’s the problem, at least as I see it. There are way too many options, and everyone is always looking for the next best thing, instead of organically getting to know someone. I’m speaking from both experience and observation here.

While I like to think that I’m some dashingly beautiful girl that could just pick up guys wherever I go, realistically, I apparently can come off as intimidating (5’10 and a mean resting bitch face is my best guess) and I tend to stick with my friends when out and about, instead of going full social butterfly mode.  Plus, most of my hobbies are pretty much solo… reading, blogging, running, and Netflix binging, basically, so little opportunity in that arena. That leaves work (probably a bad idea), friends of friends (but then you have friendcest) and stupid online dating. So yeah, I’ve done it. And…

I. Hate. It.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great way to meet people that you may not have met otherwise. Besides that pro though, there are WAY more cons.

  1. Nothing is organic. You go into meeting this person with the intent of something… maybe not a relationship, but something more than just bumping into each other and getting to know each other as friends.
  2. Speaking of being friends… there’s little opportunity for that. You’re almost guaranteed to start as “dating,” or maybe FWB if you’re on a dicier app (coughtindercough). For me, this is really tough, because I would much prefer to be friends with someone before being in a relationship.
  3. Everyone is talking to everyone else. Maybe I just have some deep rooted trust issues, but it’s very hard for me to believe that someone is matching with me, talking to only me, and not comparing me to 345 other girls that they’re talking to. I’m probably doing it to some extent, so why wouldn’t you be?
  4. HOW DO I EVEN KNOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY SINGLE? HOW?!
  5. People swipe while emotional or when drunk. Maybe this isn’t 100% true, but I’ve done it, and I know friends that do it: the emotional swipe. You have a bad day and need attention, or you go through a breakup…swipe away. Drunk obviously creates a beer goggle experience where you are just matching with people that you may not have matched with otherwise. As a reminder: there are people on the other end of that picture. Matching with someone in an emotional or drunk situation may be okay for you, but it kinda sucks for them.
  6. People misrepresent themselves, like… a lot. Hey guys..newsflash! 5’9 doth not equal 6’0. Nor does 5’10. Or 5’11. 6’0=6’0. If you meet someone, they will be able to tell you were lying about this. Through my online dating experience, I discovered that 6’0 was basically the “average” number that guys like to round to for their height. 6’1 seems to be pretty safe, but for some reason, people really like to hit that 6. By the way,it’s okay to be 5’9 and own that shit. I would rather know that going in so I DON’T wear 4 inch heels and tower over you. Just be honest. Also, I really don’t care what you looked like in high school, so how about let’s NOT use that pic, k?
  7. Different apps often have different end goals, and a lot of people cater to that with multiple profiles. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve found a guy on multiple apps with completely different profiles. I understand trying to know your audience a little bit, but what am I really supposed to go by here? “Just looking for fun and a ‘partner in crime'” is the same guy saying he’s “hoping to be great friends first and build on it” WHAT THE ASS,… no wonder I have trust issues. If you have multiple apps, chances are most of your potential matches do too. Also can everyone just cut that partner in crime shit out?!?! I’d be perfectly happy with a partner in pizza.
  8. Check-boxes. This can happen in any relationship, but it seems to happen a lot with online dating. They’re attractive, check. They like food, check.They have a job, and hopefully a car, check. You like music?! OMG IIIII like music too! Check. Here’s the thing about the check-boxes. Think about the best relationship you ever had, friendship or romantic. Did you subject that person to a list of questions before you decided they would be a good friend or partner? Probably not. This kind of ties back into the whole “organic” thing, but you can’t base a relationship solely on the things you have in common, or things you think you want. It’s great to have morals and values, but you could be ruling out a lot of good potentials by making them pass a qualifier test to talk to you. One of my biggest pet peeves in this arena is education level. I have several friends and have come across several people who will not date someone without a college degree. I understand the rationale behind this, but I also think that ruling someone out for this reason alone is somewhat closed minded. For example, I do not have a college degree. I was in school when I had a lot of life changes that required me to be self-supportive, and I started working, and gradually stopped going to school. I now have a great career AND am going back to school, something very hard to juggle and that few people can do. Does this make me inadequate as a human? To many, it does, and that’s honestly very sad (for them, not me, because I’m brilliant and awesome lol).
  9. People act differently when dealing with a screen than they do with a human. When I tried online dating, it was for one main reason… time. I work a lot and my work can be mentally exhausting, and when I’m out with friends, I want to focus on my friends, not trying to meet some random dude. This seems to be the reason that probably…I don’t know, 40-50% of the people I’ve ran into share. And that’s okay, it makes sense in today’s busy world. There are another 20-25% that are looking for hookups, and then another 25% or so that DO NOT. KNOW HOW. TO HUMAN. Seriously. These people can come across as very normal electronically, but in person.. it’s just not clicking. This can be terrifying, especially if they’re good at the normal conversation online, so you go into an IRL meeting expecting the same thing and… wow. yeah. Next.
  10. Courtship. I really miss being courted. Online dating kind of eliminates that to an extent. Okay so bear with me.. I know I said earlier that maybe jumping right into a romantic situation seems unnatural and that I dislike it, and saying that I want to be courted kind of contradicts that. But let’s just assume that you meet someone, you hang out a few times, and you feel like you know what.. I do kind of dig that person. At that point, why is it okay to not try to impress them and put in that extra effort? Yes, I’m sure there are guys out there who would do that, but it seems to be the exception these days instead of the rule.

I could probably go on and on about this, but those are the top ten reasons that I’ve decided that I hate online dating. I know many people have had successful relationships using these platforms but for me… #singleforever!

xoxo,

Tempest.

 

100 reasons.

.Reading time 2 minutes.

A coworker was telling me that he put together a book with 100 reasons why he loved his girlfriend(#vomit, #sappy), to which I responded.. “I’m pretty sure I don’t even have 100 reasons why I love myself.” So here is my attempt to get as close to 100 as possible..

  1. My hair is usually pretty well behaved.
  2. I have great legs.
  3. And boobs.
  4. My nail beds are fantastic.
  5. I have an excellent memory.
  6. My arms are the best length for taking selfies.
  7. Bone Structure!
  8. I consider myself a considerate person.
  9. I am not petty.
  10. I make a big deal out of birthdays.
  11. I love to celebrate my friends and their accomplishments.
  12. I can hold my own in an intellectual conversation.
  13. I know how to laugh at myself.
  14. My brain absorbs information and holds on to it… making me a great trivia partner!
  15. I’m really good at spelling.
  16. I type fast.
  17. I do things for people that they don’t expect.
  18. I laugh loudly and sincerely.
  19. I am not afraid to say what I feel, even if I know it may not go over well with the other person.
  20. I’m objective, and try to see things from the other side.
  21. I don’t snore.
  22. I’m a good gift-giver
  23. I appreciate the little things.
  24. I can take criticism (even if I don’t agree with it).
  25. I attract awesome friends
  26. I’m organized
  27. I understand technology.
  28. I learn quickly.
  29. I’m both left and right brained
  30. I can analyze problems
  31. I can inspire a team
  32. I make decisions that yield positive change.
  33. I make people laugh.
  34. I am authentic.
  35. I am persistent.

 

Okay that’s all I have for now, but I’m going to keep thinking on this. Phew. This shit is hard.

appreciate.

.Reading time 1 minute.

Sorry for the gap in posting!! I just got back from a much needed vacation before starting a longgggg few weeks of work.

My vacation was pretty awesome. I got to hang out with good friends, drink a lot of booze, and revisit my happy place… Cozumel. I always hear people talk about how overrated Cozumel and many cities in Mexico are, but I absolutely love this place. Not the super touristy parts of course, but the pure and natural beauty of the island. Crystal clear turquoise waters, shimmering sands, and perfect blue skies.

Going to places like this really make you stop, think, and appreciate what you have. Appreciate the fact that you’re alive to visit this place, that you have the means to get there, that you can feel the sand under your toes and the breeze on your face. Smell the salty ocean air. I am very hard on myself 99% of the time, and going to “my happy place” reminds me that it’s okay to let go of cares and worries, at least for a little while.

 

anxiety.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety maybe once or twice already on this blog… I think. Over the past year or so, my anxiety has peaked, but this has caused me to come to terms with it and recognize where it comes from. Now, when I say “anxiety,” I am not talking about that normal, anxious feeling that everyone gets when they’re stressed out. I’m talking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s a thing, people!

I was only recently diagnosed with GAD after a series of really bad panic attacks. By the way, if you haven’t had a panic attack before, that shit is terrifying. Heart racing, sweating, blacking out and running halfway across your house before you realize what’s going on.. it’s scary. After talking to a counselor and finally a doctor, they confirmed that what I’ve always thought of as a high strung, super Type-A personality was in fact signs of having GAD. A LOT of things finally clicked.

Since then, I’ve worked really hard to recognize what causes my anxiety to peak, and deal with it however I can. I am often attacked by what I call the “Anxiety Monster.” This is when my brain decides, “Know what? Fuck reason, we are going this way today!” And I decide that the person who hasn’t responded lately has probably been abducted. That pain in my side is clearly a deadly condition. And, yeah, my curling iron was probably left on and will inevitably burn the house down.

Also a note here, it is extremely hard to have strong interpersonal relationships when you struggle every day with anxiety. Listen up: if you have anyone in your life that wrestles with this, understand that is really something that is hard to overcome, and while it may be almost impossible for people without anxiety to understand… try. It means the world when you do. I’ve tried to start showing people I care about that I appreciate when they try to understand, or make concessions when they know the monster is rearing it’s ugly head.

While I don’t think that this is ever something that can be “beaten,” I do think I am making some progress. I’m trying to be better at communicating how my brain works (which, even I don’t understand half the time) with the people I care about to maintain friendships and relationships. I’ll keep working at it and make sure I keep the people in my life that are willing to understand and meet me somewhere in between.

Until next time, please excuse me while I make sure my flat iron is unplugged.

xoxo, Tempest.

hospitalized.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

Once upon a time, I decided I would try to be outdoorsy. Okay, bear with me, I realize this post has “hospital” in the title and I promise we will get there, but let me first set the scene.

I love the beauty of nature. I love.. to LOOK at it. I don’t necessarily enjoy being in it, but in 2015, I decided I would challenge myself to do things I hadn’t done before, and that involved being one with the earth or some bullshit. I started spending a lot more time outdoors, hiking, and even.. camping. I will admit it was definitely more like glamping, but you get the picture.

My first camping trip in probably… I don’t know, maybe 15 years? was a definite success. We made s’mores, we hiked the Appalachian Approach trail, I had about 23482482 steps on my fitness tracker, the weather was chilly but nice, the scenery was beautiful.

Fast forward 10 days later, and I don’t even know my name.

So, for those of you who aren’t aware, ticks and other pesky creatures are apparently active year round in southern states, like the one I live in. I had apparently been bitten by one of these critters and won the grand prize of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Haven’t heard of it? Google… but here are the basics. I had brain swelling, a very high fever, and a pretty nasty rash that landed me in the hospital for 10 days. The doctors probably would have kept me longer if I hadn’t actually tried to Uber out of there.

Luckily, after about 3 months of building my strength back up, I was left relatively unscathed, other than a nasty case of what I really consider PTSD, and a big increase in anxiety. The troublesome part is, as someone who has always struggled with anxiety (and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder), this added stress did not help. I began having panic attacks, and bordered on being a hypochondriac… any little thing that felt “off” would send me into a full blown conundrum about how I was probably dying. This may sound crazy to many of you, but when you’re a pretty healthy person who almost dies unexpectedly from something so random, it’s hard for your brain not to go there. Especially when you’re already battling the Anxiety Monster on the reg.

The moral of this story: live your life. Do what you want, because you really never know what may happen. I still struggle every day with anxiety, but I am working on ways to embrace who I am and live for me. I’m trying to keep the people who were there for me when no one else was close, and appreciate what I have, because not everyone is lucky enough to have those things. Also, wear bug spray people!!

xoxo, Tempest

solo.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

For the most part, I’ve been in a relationship of some kind since I was probably 16 or so. Throughout high school, most of my relationships were “serious,” by high school definitions anyway. I only dated one guy, but I tended to be a jumper. As in, I would date one guy for a while, until one started showing me a littttle more attention or things seemed to be going downhill with the other guy, and then move on to the next.

This has continued throughout my adult life. I was married young, and luckily divorced young as well. The details of this are another post in itself, so let’s move on.

I was divorced in 2010, which was RIGHT in time for me to jump on the new online dating bandwagon. This made my constant-need-to-have-backup-guys WAY too easy. Since then, I’ve had very few “relationships” that have lasted longer than a few months. Don’t get me wrong, while I may be beautiful and hilarious, I’ve also got a mean case of RBF (read: resting bitch face) and this little problem that my doc calls Generalized Anxiety Disorder and well.. these things like to get in the way. Throw in the fact that I somehow always seek emotionally unavailable, sometimes geographically unavailable men just to keep the challenge all nice and fresh… you see the problem. After the last somewhat promising prospect, I told my friends that if this didn’t work, I was calling it quits for good, and for a while.

They laughed, by the way.

See, being a relationship jumper that I am, and having guys on deck pretty much all the time (sometimes I will have 2-3 that I still keep in tough with JUSTTT in case things don’t work out with the current Romeo), it’s hard to imagine me with no candidates for “Tempest’s Next Fling.” But alas, here I am. I stopped talking to all the maybes, I stopped jumping back in bed with all the emotionally unavailable ones, and now it’s just little ole me by my lonesome.

I am absolutely certain that I will end up trying to date again. And, when I do, I have all intents of doing it right.. ie, stop trying to make things happen that just aren’t going to happen, controlling every situation, and jumping to the worst case scenario the second someone takes 12 minutes to text me back. But in the meantime, I’m going to live up this all the way single life. Right now it still feels weird. I still feel the need to reach out to some of those maybes, the almosts, just to feel that sense of attachment and wanting. But, I need to prove it to myself (AND THE WORRRLDDDD!) that I can do this life thing. On my own.

That Time When I Started a Blog

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Okay, here goes.

If you’ve read my “about” page, you already know this, but if you didn’t… this is my 2432942th attempt to start a successful blog. Successful meaning I will stick with it, and that 3-5 people will actually read it.

Why, you ask, all the failed blogging attempts? Well, for starters, I’ve been through a moderate amount of shit in my life, and I really want to write about it. Yes, I know, many people have it way worse than me. I’m young(ish), relatively healthy (physically), and have a pretty full life. I’ve also suffered a lot of loss and heartbreak… some of it my own doing (thank you, anxiety!) and some of it not.

This blog is kind of my last-ditch effort to stick with it. I took a lot of time in deciding how to write, what to write, what I wanted you, the reader, to gain from it, and what I wanted myself to gain as using a blog as an outlet. Eventually I decided I would just roll with it, so here we are. I hope hearing about some of my trials and tribulations can give you some insight, or at least a chuckle or two.. and I hope me writing about them helps keep me grounded (this part is 10000% a suggestion by the aforementioned therapist).

Lastly, everything I write here is completely true, and for that reason, I hope you enjoy everyone’s nicknames! I decided to keep everyone, myself included, anonymous, so that I can be more forthcoming about the situations and stories that you will hopefully soon be reading.

Hmm… I think that covers everything that should be in a first blog post. Happy reading!

xoxo, Tempest.