Tag: life

anxiety.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety maybe once or twice already on this blog… I think. Over the past year or so, my anxiety has peaked, but this has caused me to come to terms with it and recognize where it comes from. Now, when I say “anxiety,” I am not talking about that normal, anxious feeling that everyone gets when they’re stressed out. I’m talking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s a thing, people!

I was only recently diagnosed with GAD after a series of really bad panic attacks. By the way, if you haven’t had a panic attack before, that shit is terrifying. Heart racing, sweating, blacking out and running halfway across your house before you realize what’s going on.. it’s scary. After talking to a counselor and finally a doctor, they confirmed that what I’ve always thought of as a high strung, super Type-A personality was in fact signs of having GAD. A LOT of things finally clicked.

Since then, I’ve worked really hard to recognize what causes my anxiety to peak, and deal with it however I can. I am often attacked by what I call the “Anxiety Monster.” This is when my brain decides, “Know what? Fuck reason, we are going this way today!” And I decide that the person who hasn’t responded lately has probably been abducted. That pain in my side is clearly a deadly condition. And, yeah, my curling iron was probably left on and will inevitably burn the house down.

Also a note here, it is extremely hard to have strong interpersonal relationships when you struggle every day with anxiety. Listen up: if you have anyone in your life that wrestles with this, understand that is really something that is hard to overcome, and while it may be almost impossible for people without anxiety to understand… try. It means the world when you do. I’ve tried to start showing people I care about that I appreciate when they try to understand, or make concessions when they know the monster is rearing it’s ugly head.

While I don’t think that this is ever something that can be “beaten,” I do think I am making some progress. I’m trying to be better at communicating how my brain works (which, even I don’t understand half the time) with the people I care about to maintain friendships and relationships. I’ll keep working at it and make sure I keep the people in my life that are willing to understand and meet me somewhere in between.

Until next time, please excuse me while I make sure my flat iron is unplugged.

xoxo, Tempest.

dick pic.

.Reading time 7 minutes.

I’m going to start this post off by saying, gentlemen, there is never a time in life when a girl wants a dick pic for no reason. Never once have I woken up and thought to myself, “You know what would really just make my day better? A random dick pic.” You guys should also know that should you decide to send a random dick pic, it will be screenshotted, shared, and laughed about amongst our friends. This rule doesn’t hold true for requested dick pics, so don’t worry about that.

The guys who usually send random dick pics are, as one could guess, probably pretty proud of their junk and probably a little cocky. This was definitely the case when I received the most oddly timed and very unsolicited dick pic one day, after cancelling a date with the sender.

Here’s the story. I met this guy, and he was admittedly very good looking, but came off a bit cocky. Our first date was rocky to say the least, as he had a very condescending air, but when we talked otherwise he seemed pretty nice so I decided to give him a second chance. The keyword here is SEEMED. We plan a second date, and I’m en route when he calls and says the restaurant we selected has a long wait, so let’s go somewhere else. We were meeting on his side of town, so while I had heard of some of the restaurants, I wasn’t overly familiar with them. He told me of three places nearby and I said “Doesn’t matter to me, I’m good with whatever,” to which he responded “Well, you obviously can’t make a decision, so let’s go here.”

I’m sorry.

The fuck did you just say to me?

I tell him, calmly, I’m actually thinking maybe we aren’t compatible because what he had said came across as condescending, and I was feeling like we might have had some communication gaps and should call it quits before either of us wastes our time. Seems fair, right? Apparently not to him, as he then responded that I was clearly just looking for a free meal and was overreacting. Note: we had been on one date, where we split the check down the middle, so not sure where he pulled that from.

I told him that was fine if he felt that way, but I had a gut feeling that it was a red flag and didn’t think we should waste our time. I stayed pretty factual with the whole thing as to be cool about it, but I have learned not to ignore red flags. He then proceeds to tell me that he would still like to hang out, but because of the way I was acting he would definitely not pay for my food.

At this point I am pretty confused on where this guy gets off. I’m pretty established in my career, and while he may not know exactly how much I make, I drive a fairly decent car and don’t generally look homeless (unless it’s on purpose), so really confused as to where this guy has decided I’m looking for a handout. The fact that he was using paying for my dinner as some kind of punishment or threat though, really set those alarms off even more.

I respond to him by saying, no worries, you don’t have to pay for anything because I’m not going, I really just don’t think this is going to work.

He doesn’t like this.

Something on me reaffirming my decision sets him off. Mind you, I’ve been even-tempered and straight forward this entire conversation. He. Goes. Off. He proceeds to tell me:

  • I’m hopeless and will always be single
  • I can’t appreciate a good man
  • I have self esteem issues
  • I’m a bitch (several times)
  • etc..etc..

I stop responding, because the fact that he is going to this level to try to hurt my feelings after I decide not to continue dating him (after only one date!!) is telling me this guy is riding the crazy train. He finally stops after a few minutes, and I think I am in the clear. Phew!

But, reader, it’s not to be. About 30 minutes later, I get a dick pic, with the caption of “This is what you are missing but if you still don’t want to go out whatever.” Note: we were meeting in the evening, going to a somewhat decent restaurant…this picture was taken with him wearing basketball shorts during the day time. He clearly has this shit on reserve.

Needless to say, I did not respond, as that kind of crazy just doesn’t need encouraging. I definitely shared it with my friends. This guy has also messaged me since then, asking how I am and if I wanted to hang out. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Anyway, just to reiterate, don’t send dick pics randomly, to girls you’ve been on one date with, after calling them crazy and doing everything you can to hurt their feelings whilst showing you are fucking loony tunes. It doesn’t end well.

xoxo, Tempest.

hospitalized.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

Once upon a time, I decided I would try to be outdoorsy. Okay, bear with me, I realize this post has “hospital” in the title and I promise we will get there, but let me first set the scene.

I love the beauty of nature. I love.. to LOOK at it. I don’t necessarily enjoy being in it, but in 2015, I decided I would challenge myself to do things I hadn’t done before, and that involved being one with the earth or some bullshit. I started spending a lot more time outdoors, hiking, and even.. camping. I will admit it was definitely more like glamping, but you get the picture.

My first camping trip in probably… I don’t know, maybe 15 years? was a definite success. We made s’mores, we hiked the Appalachian Approach trail, I had about 23482482 steps on my fitness tracker, the weather was chilly but nice, the scenery was beautiful.

Fast forward 10 days later, and I don’t even know my name.

So, for those of you who aren’t aware, ticks and other pesky creatures are apparently active year round in southern states, like the one I live in. I had apparently been bitten by one of these critters and won the grand prize of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Haven’t heard of it? Google… but here are the basics. I had brain swelling, a very high fever, and a pretty nasty rash that landed me in the hospital for 10 days. The doctors probably would have kept me longer if I hadn’t actually tried to Uber out of there.

Luckily, after about 3 months of building my strength back up, I was left relatively unscathed, other than a nasty case of what I really consider PTSD, and a big increase in anxiety. The troublesome part is, as someone who has always struggled with anxiety (and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder), this added stress did not help. I began having panic attacks, and bordered on being a hypochondriac… any little thing that felt “off” would send me into a full blown conundrum about how I was probably dying. This may sound crazy to many of you, but when you’re a pretty healthy person who almost dies unexpectedly from something so random, it’s hard for your brain not to go there. Especially when you’re already battling the Anxiety Monster on the reg.

The moral of this story: live your life. Do what you want, because you really never know what may happen. I still struggle every day with anxiety, but I am working on ways to embrace who I am and live for me. I’m trying to keep the people who were there for me when no one else was close, and appreciate what I have, because not everyone is lucky enough to have those things. Also, wear bug spray people!!

xoxo, Tempest

solo.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

For the most part, I’ve been in a relationship of some kind since I was probably 16 or so. Throughout high school, most of my relationships were “serious,” by high school definitions anyway. I only dated one guy, but I tended to be a jumper. As in, I would date one guy for a while, until one started showing me a littttle more attention or things seemed to be going downhill with the other guy, and then move on to the next.

This has continued throughout my adult life. I was married young, and luckily divorced young as well. The details of this are another post in itself, so let’s move on.

I was divorced in 2010, which was RIGHT in time for me to jump on the new online dating bandwagon. This made my constant-need-to-have-backup-guys WAY too easy. Since then, I’ve had very few “relationships” that have lasted longer than a few months. Don’t get me wrong, while I may be beautiful and hilarious, I’ve also got a mean case of RBF (read: resting bitch face) and this little problem that my doc calls Generalized Anxiety Disorder and well.. these things like to get in the way. Throw in the fact that I somehow always seek emotionally unavailable, sometimes geographically unavailable men just to keep the challenge all nice and fresh… you see the problem. After the last somewhat promising prospect, I told my friends that if this didn’t work, I was calling it quits for good, and for a while.

They laughed, by the way.

See, being a relationship jumper that I am, and having guys on deck pretty much all the time (sometimes I will have 2-3 that I still keep in tough with JUSTTT in case things don’t work out with the current Romeo), it’s hard to imagine me with no candidates for “Tempest’s Next Fling.” But alas, here I am. I stopped talking to all the maybes, I stopped jumping back in bed with all the emotionally unavailable ones, and now it’s just little ole me by my lonesome.

I am absolutely certain that I will end up trying to date again. And, when I do, I have all intents of doing it right.. ie, stop trying to make things happen that just aren’t going to happen, controlling every situation, and jumping to the worst case scenario the second someone takes 12 minutes to text me back. But in the meantime, I’m going to live up this all the way single life. Right now it still feels weird. I still feel the need to reach out to some of those maybes, the almosts, just to feel that sense of attachment and wanting. But, I need to prove it to myself (AND THE WORRRLDDDD!) that I can do this life thing. On my own.

That Time When I Started a Blog

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Okay, here goes.

If you’ve read my “about” page, you already know this, but if you didn’t… this is my 2432942th attempt to start a successful blog. Successful meaning I will stick with it, and that 3-5 people will actually read it.

Why, you ask, all the failed blogging attempts? Well, for starters, I’ve been through a moderate amount of shit in my life, and I really want to write about it. Yes, I know, many people have it way worse than me. I’m young(ish), relatively healthy (physically), and have a pretty full life. I’ve also suffered a lot of loss and heartbreak… some of it my own doing (thank you, anxiety!) and some of it not.

This blog is kind of my last-ditch effort to stick with it. I took a lot of time in deciding how to write, what to write, what I wanted you, the reader, to gain from it, and what I wanted myself to gain as using a blog as an outlet. Eventually I decided I would just roll with it, so here we are. I hope hearing about some of my trials and tribulations can give you some insight, or at least a chuckle or two.. and I hope me writing about them helps keep me grounded (this part is 10000% a suggestion by the aforementioned therapist).

Lastly, everything I write here is completely true, and for that reason, I hope you enjoy everyone’s nicknames! I decided to keep everyone, myself included, anonymous, so that I can be more forthcoming about the situations and stories that you will hopefully soon be reading.

Hmm… I think that covers everything that should be in a first blog post. Happy reading!

xoxo, Tempest.