A note.
Um, I’m moving in a week. The freak out is beginning. AHHHHHHHHHH.
no.
Hey guys! Just a few quick updates here. One, I updated my theme, and I hope you noticed, because you visit SO often. Two, I was thinking back to something I posted about a month ago (That time I decided it was okay to say no.) and the impacts it has had on my life.
If you haven’t done this, I challenge you to try it. When you think you are going with the flow or a group or a crowd or even just societal expectations, say NO. Say no for you, and do whatever the fuck you want to do.
I have really enjoyed this new “No-Saying-Tempest” that I’ve become.
To be honest, saying no feels good. It feels empowering. I feel like I have finally gotten some of my.. me.. back, if that makes sense. My “no” extravaganza started with ex-flames. If you have read any of my blog, you know at this point that I SUCK at dating and romantic involvement of any kind. I have a couple of guys that I have, over the years, had trouble letting go of. Those were the first to get a no from me. No, I don’t need to pretend to be your friend, I don’t need to be nice to you, I don’t need you, so why say yes and keep something toxic in my life?
The next step was harder…friends. I have held onto a lot of friendships that hurt me too, and it was time to take the step in freeing myself from that. This, honestly, is still a tough one for me, but I know at the end of the day I am taking care of myself and creating boundaries for others to respect.
So again, take some time to figure out what it is in your life that drains you, and start saying no to it. It’s hard, I won’t lie. Especially after a lifetime of conceding to others and trying to compromise, it is very very hard sometimes. But the feeling when you get through to the other side is so amazingly worth it.
xoxo, Tempest.
mom.
When I started this blog, it was meant to be a release for me… a way to get things out and off my chest. For the most part, I’ve done that, but I have been holding off, for one reason or another, on writing about a very important sad hurtful tough emotional subject, which is my mom.
My mom passed away in 2013. I had just turned 27. I had just gotten divorced. I had just watched my mom battle with and eventually lose the battle to cancer. I wasn’t there when my mom passed away, because I lived about 7 hours away. In the days before her passing, my mom was put on hospice, so we knew it would be coming fast. I had planned on coming up that weekend to be with my family, but something in my gut told me to head out early. I was on the road, about 3 hours into my trip, when I got the call from my sister with the news.
The hardest thing about my mother’s death actually wasn’t the part where she left this earth. It was the months and years preceding it that she spent.. leaving. My mom had a rare blood cancer that caused a lot of organ issues, including kidney failure, resulting in the need for a kidney transplant, and bone pain. Patients typically lived 3-5 years. My mom lived survived 8. I can’t say lived, because after a few years, when the pain began to become more than she could deal with, she spent most of her time in bed and on various pain medications. It became hard to deal with the situation and seeing her attitude and personality change.
There are a lot of things that happened in those years that have shaped the person I am today, some good and some bad. I hate that sometimes it is hard to remember the good, because so much of my adult life was spent with the bad. Nevertheless, when things get tough, I can’t help but be reminded of my mom’s spirit and how strong she was for me before she got sick.
My mom had a spirit that couldn’t be tamed. She was the strongest woman I knew for most of my adolescent years, even though she had her faults. She was always ready to face a challenge and find ways to overcome them. As an adult now, I often think back to times in my life when my mom shouldn’t have been able to pull off the things she did. She left home young, got married and had kids young, but still managed to achieve her career goals. When money was tight, she still found ways to give everyone in my family extravagant gifts at Christmas. When her credit should have been shot, she still found a way to keep a roof over our heads. I know it had to be tough and she had to be stressed out, but we never saw that, and she always came out okay.
It’s been almost 4 years since her passing, but I still find that in certain situations, there is nothing more that I want than to be able to call up my mom and just talk. I hate that in the last few years of her life, I couldn’t always do that, because of the toll her condition and the medication had taken on her, and I wish nothing more than to be able to have those pre-cancer years back.
Right now, I’m going through a huge life change, it is definitely one of those times that I just want to talk to my mom. To ask her, what would you do, what should I do? To vent about the things that I’m sure my friends are sick of hearing about, but the kind of things that moms never get tired of listening to. To share in my success in my career. To show her I’m working hard to become a woman she would be proud to call her daughter, every single day.
tempest.
PS. If you can call your mom, hug her, tell her that you love her, go ahead and take a moment to do so.
fear.
I’m officially the worst post-a-weeker there ever was. I have not been writing very much lately because, well, I have had a ton of shit going on. Some major life changes, scary shit type of shit.
The good news: I got a REALLY great promotion at work. As in, the kind of stuff I love doing.. project management, lots of partnership, communication.. all the things I want in a job. It’s on a great team and reports to a great boss.
The bad news: it’s in New Jersey.
Now before you get all huffy about how bad New Jersey is… I worked up there for a few weeks this year and while it didn’t completely grow on me, I realized I could live there. It’s not bad, at least in the area I will be in when I relocate. Yes, it’s more expensive in general than Georgia, yes, it snows. But overall, I like the Northeast, I get to leave the fiery gates of hell they call “summer” in the South, I’m the same distance to my family in Virginia, and I’ll be doing what I love.
Also, I think I’m at least 10% hotter in the north, but I digress.
Leaving Atlanta is very scary, because I’ve made some great friends and memories during my time here. Going to a new place is equally scary, although I do already have some friends there. Finding a place is stressing me the fuck out. This is primarily the reason that I haven’t written lately, because I literally cannot tear myself away from Zillow, Trulia, Forrent.com, Hotpads, and any other rental finding website you can think of. I. Am. Obsessed.
I’ve written about my anxiety before, and this plays a big part in it. Not knowing where I’m going to live is causing me major feelings of panic right now. I also live in a house full of people right now, and will be venturing out of the nest and into my own home for the first time in a while. So, more bills, yay!
Also, the whole thought of moving is just ridiculous. I do have help with the moving itself, but sweet baby Jesus I’ve collected a lot of stuff over the years. Going through all of the odds and ends is just daunting.. I am tempted to start fresh and burn the rest.
Anyway, I’ll be making the trip up this weekend to try to find a suitable place to live. Hopefully, once that is done I can get to the fun stuff..like..decorating! And working my ass off in a new job!
Until next time, xoxo..Tempest.
That time I really sucked at posting..
Hey guys so by the way, I realize I have been terrible about posting this month! I’ve had some pretty big life changes happening that have made me a little cuckoo.. but I am doing my best to stay diligent! More on these life changes to come!
soulmatch.
Let’s talk about soulmates. If you have found this supposed soulmate, hooray! Do not read any further, because I’m only going to piss you off. I don’t think that soulmates are probable. A good dream, yes, but a dream nonetheless. I talked about this over the weekend with my family and we all kind of came to this same conclusion (except my grandma, who decided mine was a boyfriend back in high school for some godawful reason, and oh by the way my aunt’s is her exhusband…**souuuullmatesss**)
Think about for a minute… if there is just ONE person that is made for you, in the ENTIRE WORLD. The whole world, for fuck’s sake. It’s a big world, guys. It’s kind of depressing to consider that there is just one person, that you are somehow magically supposed to find, and everything is magical and everyone lives happily ever after, right? What if your soul mate is someone who lives in a third world country off the grid, how are you supposed to meet them? Life finds a way..? (Yes, read that in Ian Malcolm’s Jurassic Park voice). The other bleak thing about this one-person-is-made-for-you theory is… what about all the people who really really love each other, but maybe.. it’s like a 99% match. Really great but.. not..quite. The soulmate theory means a shitload of people are just hanging out and settling for what is good enough.
I like the idea better, and think it’s much more probable, that instead of this one person we are supposed to find, that there are soul..matches. A soulmatch can be anyone who can just identify with your soul. It doesn’t have to be just one person, either, there could be multiple people, and maybe you’ll come in contact with them… and maybe you won’t. The point is, it’s possible. And it probably would create a lot more happy endings, if instead of trying to find this one unicorn, we find a soulmatch, or maybe multiple soulmatches throughout life, who can understand you for who you are. All your quirks and eccentricies and things that make you you, they can understand, support, and hopefully enrich.
I know at first glance this post seems bitter, but in fact, it’s optimistic. Finding a person in your life who can do this is inspiring, and the idea that it doesn’t have to be locked down to one person living in an igloo somewhere is encouraging. It makes me feel like there is something out there that can work, kind of like my current healthy and successful relationship with pizza. And anything that can rival pizza sounds like a damn good thing.
xoxo, Tempest.
A thought…
Tiny houses are just fancy trailers.
drained.
I’ve written a lot about my struggles with romantic relationships on this blog, but lately I’ve also thought about friendships, and how I have let the toxic ones impact me over the years. The same problems that get me in trouble with dating also get me in trouble with friendships, but it usually takes much, much longer for me to realize it. If I’ve invested a lot of time and energy, saying no or stepping away from someone becomes very hard for me, if not damn near impossible.
It’s time to say no. I have to learn to say no to things that are not okay for me.
My problem, you see, is I naturally want to take care of people. This means I tend to seek out romantic partners and friends that probably need to be taken care of in some way. Not calling anyone broken, but I tend to find people that are maybe not whole enough in themselves to be in a functional, healthy relationship themselves. In dating, I find out VERY quickly that my natural tendency to “caretake” won’t be reciprocated (note, I don’t always expect it to be, but you know.. it is nice sometimes damnit). In friendships, however, it can take months or years to find out that some people just don’t care or maybe aren’t worth the investment.
The end result is I spend a lot of time trying to make people happy, and in return I am left drained.
I’ve talked to my therapist quite a bit about this, and how I can work on determining where to draw my own boundaries. I do have some very great friends, but I have many over the years that I have given my power to, and it’s gotten me hurt. I’ve put my trust in people that I thought would have my back, when all they wanted to do was thrust a knife into it for their own means. Sadly, in a lot of these situations I’ve seen the writing on the wall, but I’m so scared to just say “no” to someone that I still let it happen. I don’t want to look like a bitch, or look selfish, or look like I don’t care about someone that I’m close to. I’ve realized now that although it might hurt to put up these boundaries, and it may be hard for me to say no, it’s going to hurt a whole hell of a lot worse when I inevitably get burned by someone exhibiting these red flags.
As much as I wish to have the power to do so, I can’t change anyone. All I can change is myself, the amount of myself that I am willing to give to other people, and how I react to situations. I am the writer of my own story, and the only one who gets to say how I live my life is me.
height:asshole.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may have read an aside where I mentioned that one of the ways to get to my heart is to be 6’3. If you haven’t been reading my blog for a while, for shame, reader, for shame!! Anyway, I picked 6’3 as a very specific height, and here’s why. I’m 5’10, so you would think I would LOVE a guy who is way super taller than me, like 6’3+. To be honest, I used to. When I met a guy who was 6’5, I would get all giddy, like “Ohemgeeee I get to feel like a little princess like all these short bitches!!” Right?! WRONG.
Here’s the thing about tall guys. Every inch above 6’3, they get an extra asshole point. I’m blanketing this statement…I’m sure there are guys that are very tall and very kind and generous, but the ones I’ve met and dated overall have been pretty strong in the douchebaggery category. Super tall guys think they’re hotter than they are, because they are tall, they get to act like a 9 when in real life they’re barely pushing a 7. Super tall guys think the world has to look up to them and they feel entitled. Super tall guys don’t stop fucking talking about how super tall they are. Yo homie, we can see you! Basically, super tall guys have an aura of being able to treat anyone however they want, because they’re “above you”.
I have said this to tall guys before, usually ones in that safe sub-6’3 zone, and they usually agree, but then point out that shorter guys have the Napoleon complex thing going on. If that is to be believed, that means that all women are basically fucked, because we get either tall assholes or short angry chihuahuas, right? Also wrong. There is definitely a sweet spot, and that sweet spot is 100% accented by character. Guys falling in the average height range seem to have a little more personality, versus guys going into the above average range that start getting cockier by the inch. I can attest to some guys having Napoleon complex in the shorter range, but that’s usually when the extreme lower quartile (5’5 or shorter, in my experience.) With all of this very proven scientific evidence, it is safe to assume the sweet spot probably lies between about 5’6 and about 6’2, give or take. Every inch above 6’3, there is a really good chance you are flirting dangerously with asshole category, and anyone above 6’5, forget it.
All in all, height, while it can be very important, doesn’t outweigh someone’s disposition. I don’t tend to date people shorter than me, not because I judge them at all (you can’t control your height), but because I’m essentially some kind of Amazon woman and I feel humongo in that scenario. However, I would much rather date someone shorter than me than someone who is a complete dick and doesn’t know how to treat other humans.
As a disclaimer, if you’re a tall guy reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure there are some good eggs out there. If you’re a tall guy reading this and you are, in fact an asshole, stop. You can still change your ways, and giving a shit about people is way way sexier than just acting like you’re the shit, all the time.
xoxo, Tempest.
the little things.
Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
I am stuck at work today… and I woke up being a little pissed off about it, especially watching all my friends and family have a grand ole time while I am tethered to a desk. I then thought about how utterly selfish this actually is. Celebrating Memorial Day is more than just the start of the summer season and an extra day off of work, it represents those who sacrificed for us to enjoy the life we have today. And while that life may seem hard sometimes, I thought I would take a few moments to reflect on the little things that I get to enjoy just by being alive, in this country, in this day and age.
For the most part, we have it good. There is a lot of heat right now over politics, for obvious reasons, but even in the WORST case scenario on the upcoming election (insert your version of worst case scenario here).. we still have a lot more freedom and privilege than many people throughout the world. Yes, I started this post with complaining about work.. but, on the flip-side, as an American woman I have the opportunity to work… I can earn my own living, I can progress in the workforce with more equality than existed 50 years ago. I can stand by myself and make my own way, I can be independent, I can build the life I want. BY MYSELF. That’s pretty enviable, if you ask me. I have the freedom to write my thoughts down for the entire internet to read…even though it’s really like, 5 people, the entire internet COULD, in theory, read this. Not only that, but I can choose to be married or divorced or a cat-lady or whatever I want, I can live my life without having kids and that’s okay, and I can vote. Boom.
Take some time to reflect today on the reasons you are proud to be an American. Now that I’ve gotten the serious stuff out of the way, here are a few miscellaneous on why I efffing love this country.
- McDonald’s Coke. I’m 900000% sure no other country’s McDonald’s has the exact formula that ours does. It’s effective at both being refreshing and curing hangovers.
- We don’t eat cats, I get to just have my cat and no one will take her and eat her. I’m pretty sure about this, anyway.
- AIR CONDITIONING FUCK YES.
- Beer. Craft beer, specifically. Yes, I know other countries have this. Ours is better.
- We are a melting pot of cultures and ethnic backgrounds. I can date whoever I want and it’s pretty much okay now, which is kind of amazing.
- Freedom of religion, or lack thereof. I’m not an overly religious person, but I do think it’s very interesting, especially hearing about other religious practices and belief systems.
- Super fast pizza delivery.
- Football.
- Bacon. And Cheese. On. EVERYTHING.
- People can dress in flags and it’s really nbd, and that’s awesome.
Murica.
XOXO, Tempest.
my therapist says im funny... 