Month: September 2016

getting a little shifty..

.Reading time 5 minutes.

I’m writing this from a train, because per C, there is something very literary about writing on a train and I figured I would own it and let the power of the train fuel my creative juices (or something whimsical like that?)

I am coming out of the slump I have been in for the past couple of weeks. The bitterness has definitely subsided and I’m coming to terms with a few things. I’ve also entered a bit of a paradigm shift when it comes to dating.. as in, I’m back off of it for the goal of dating. Hmm.. Let me talk about these things in order before I ramble too much.

The Attack of the Blues:
Moving across the country at 30 years old is REALLY hard. Like, legitimately really hard. It’s emotionally traumatic. I don’t use the word traumatic lightly, if that tells you anything.

I realize a lot of people do this, and I myself have moved several times in my life, but I’ve always had some type of a buffer that I didn’t have on this move. My first “big” move was moving away for college, which I went with my high school best friend and then roommate. The second time was with my ex husband for his job. The third time was leaving my ex husband, so I literally couldn’t get away fast enough, and I also was moving in with a good friend which lessened the blow of moving to a brand new place.

This time, though… this time. I moved for work, and while I do have an amazing job… work is not all that it takes to fulfill you. I know this, and I knew this going in. As much as I was aware of the facts, however, I am also extremely impatient. I am not good at waiting for things to come together… I would much rather them simply fall into place. When they inevitably didn’t, I got more and more frustrated with my situation.

Here’s where this gets a little tougher. I pride myself on my ability to connect with people, and I LOVE being around people. When I enter any kind of slump or get bluesy.. two things happen. 1. I lose my amazing personality and ability to connect, and 2. I push people away  (see: push and you’ll find out exactly what I mean). The end result? I’m lonely and grumpy and sad. Blech. Life can really be a bitch sometimes, amirite?

I decided to do something about it. And I thought. A lot. Which led to…

The Comeback!:

I have realized over the past 4 weeks of being lonely, stressed, sad, disorganized, and a general emotional wreck that I am exceptionally terrible at taking care of my self. Okay, okay… I know I’ve maybe mentioned this before (read: no)… I am a caretaker of others, and I do tend to ignore myself and my needs. But this alone time has really shown me just how much I do that. When the option to take care of others was removed.. I was forced to look at what I do for myself. Which, as it turns out, is very little.

So, I started.

I started to hold myself accountable to doing the things that I want to do.

I started pushing myself outside of my boundaries. I put myself in situations I wouldn’t be comfortable with to meet new friends. I went to a new yoga class. I joined a book club. I put my phone away and read for hours, with no social media or texting to interrupt me. I took myself to the movies (truth be told, I’ve always done that, but hey, it counts).

What I’ve learned through this is my personal obligations for myself are just as important, if not more important, as they are to anyone else. I can take care of me, and doing that feels really good.

 

With all that said, this comeback is still 100% a work in progress. I have a lot of growing to do before I really can say I completely have my shit together. I’m moving in the right direction though, and that can only mean good things.

xoxo, Tempest.

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that’s why she struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed.

push.

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Ok…well, I have been complete shit at writing lately, so I’ll give you guys a deep one today.

Over the past year or so, I’ve done a lot of self-exploration and been very honest with myself about some of my own shortcomings. Sometimes brutally honest, which is a little tough, but it does feel good to have these self realizations.

One of the things I’ve realized about myself that I have been completely unable to work on is my constant desire to push people away. It’s a natural reaction for me, and happens almost as soon as I start feeling like I like someone. I even do it to friends. Sometimes I think that maybe this comes from losing my mom, and wanting to push people away to protect myself, but sometimes I also think it’s just because I want to prove that people will leave me. It’s like some fucked up version of psychological torture and self sabotage. But, as much as I hate it, I still do it.

The really shitty thing is.. I even know when I’m doing it, and I can’t even stop in most cases. I will pick a fight, push, do whatever I need to do to give someone an “out,” and then act upset when they actually take it. Like no shit they’re gonna bounce, I’m fuckin nuts sometimes!

I don’t want to continue doing this, and I know in order to stop I really need to get to the root of why I do this. I don’t want to be alone, I want to have people there for me, but I have to find out how to open up and let them be there. By the way, if anyone has any ideas or pointers, please feel free to share 🙂

So, over the next several months, I am going to be focusing on not pushing people out, and just being open and not trying to give someone a reason to need an out. I mean all things aside, I am pretty strong and badass 99% of the time, even with my flaws.

xoxo, Tempest.

 

flagged.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

The hardest thing sometimes in fledgling relationships is seeing red flags. And even harder than seeing the red flags are listening to them, and walking away from them when it’s smart to do so.

Historically, I have had a terrible time with part two of the above statement. I can see red flags all day, sometimes from a mile away, but I am a master at justification. This problem usually rears its ugly head with the emotionally unavailable… those signs are ALWAYS there, yet, do I listen? Nope. Neeewwwp.

On the flip side, are red flags always deal breakers? Do they have to be? Or are they things that one should simply be wary of and use as a warning to proceed with caution? After all, no one is perfect, and when you’re dating in your late 20s – early 30s, it’s really hard to find someone without SOME baggage, amirite?

Here’s the other tough part with red flags, and I know this isn’t something that only I have trouble with (lookin at you, B) – how do we filter out the REALLY bad red flags, the ones we should listen to and/or run away from, before we are emotionally invested in someone? Since these traits don’t always pop up in the first week or two of dating, how do we shield ourselves, while still being open enough to get to know someone? This shit is damn near impossible, people. Or maybe I’m bad at humaning, whatever. But that’s really the ultimate question… how do I know someone’s red flag is a deal breaker, and how do I abort mission before my own feelings are involved?

I don’t have the answers to this, obviously, but one thing I have learned is that people will generally tell you who they are, sometimes it’s just up to us to listen. When a guy says “I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m an asshole,” there’s a really good chance that said guy is, in fact, an asshole. Girls are just notoriously bad for hearing what we want to hear, or making excuses to make a square peg fit in a round hole. Oh well. C’est la vie.

Until next time,

xoxo, Tempest.

 

 

untethered.

.Reading time 2 minutes.

I’ve been out of my element for about two weeks now, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t wearing on me a little bit. It is very strange. I feel… Out of sorts. I don’t really know anyone here. When I say this to my friends back home everyone is like, “What, you? You have all kinds of friends!” No, no. I do not have many, if any, friends here. I have acquaintances. I’m surprisingly adept at making acquaintances, to the point where I would consider meeting people and striking a common chord a super power.

People who have my back though… Different story altogether.

Mix that with my amazingly wide open social calendar and yeah, not the best feeling in the world I guess. I’m not used to having nothing to do, and it gets me down. It puts me in a spot where I want to just do nothing. I don’t feel like going out and meeting people and having to be cool girl right now. I don’t feel like having to put on a smile 24 fucking 7 when really I want to veg out and feel sorry for myself. Work is great, and I’m damn good at my job, but fuck, I’m lonely. I’m not good at being lonely. Being alone, absolutely. Lonely… Not so much.

The worst part is, I don’t even have anyone I can really talk to about it. My friends back home are trucking along. I don’t have anyone here really so… I guess I can talk to my cat? Ugh. This life.

Anyway, hopefully this won’t last long. I’m going to try and just focus on work and getting my new place all prettied up and go from there. It’ll work out, one way or another. It always does.

xoxo, Tempest.

 

But really…

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

Is it an obligation to date an Italian if you move to the northeast? Like, is that a thing?