Tag: postaweek

soulmatch.

.Reading time 3 minutes.

index

Let’s talk about soulmates. If you have found this supposed soulmate, hooray! Do not read any further, because I’m only going to piss you off. I don’t think that soulmates are probable. A good dream, yes, but a dream nonetheless. I talked about this over the weekend with my family and we all kind of came to this same conclusion (except my grandma, who decided mine was a boyfriend back in high school for some godawful reason, and oh by the way my aunt’s is her exhusband…**souuuullmatesss**)

Think about for a minute… if there is just ONE person that is made for you, in the ENTIRE WORLD. The whole world, for fuck’s sake. It’s a big world, guys. It’s kind of depressing to consider that there is just one person, that you are somehow magically supposed to find, and everything is magical and everyone lives happily ever after, right? What if your soul mate is someone who lives in a third world country off the grid, how are you supposed to meet them? Life finds a way..? (Yes, read that in Ian Malcolm’s Jurassic Park voice). The other bleak thing about this one-person-is-made-for-you theory is… what about all the people who really really love each other, but maybe.. it’s like a 99% match. Really great but.. not..quite. The soulmate theory means a shitload of people are just hanging out and settling for what is good enough.

I like the idea better, and think it’s much more probable, that instead of this one person we are supposed to find, that there are soul..matches. A soulmatch can be anyone who can just identify with your soul. It doesn’t have to be just one person, either, there could be multiple people, and maybe you’ll come in contact with them… and maybe you won’t. The point is, it’s possible. And it probably would create a lot more happy endings, if instead of trying to find this one unicorn, we find a soulmatch, or maybe multiple soulmatches throughout life, who can understand you for who you are. All your quirks and eccentricies and things that make you you, they can understand, support, and hopefully enrich.

I know at first glance this post seems bitter, but in fact, it’s optimistic. Finding a person in your life who can do this is inspiring, and the idea that it doesn’t have to be locked down to one person living in an igloo somewhere is encouraging. It makes me feel like there is something out there that can work, kind of like my current healthy and successful relationship with pizza. And anything that can rival pizza sounds like a damn good thing.

 

xoxo, Tempest.

 

drained.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’ve written a lot about my struggles with romantic relationships on this blog, but lately I’ve also thought about friendships, and how I have let the toxic ones impact me over the years. The same problems that get me in trouble with dating also get me in trouble with friendships, but it usually takes much, much longer for me to realize it. If I’ve invested a lot of time and energy, saying no or stepping away from someone becomes very hard for me, if not damn near impossible.

It’s time to say no. I have to learn to say no to things that are not okay for me.

My problem, you see, is I naturally want to take care of people. This means I tend to seek out romantic partners and friends that probably need to be taken care of in some way. Not calling anyone broken, but I tend to find people that are maybe not whole enough in themselves to be in a functional, healthy relationship themselves. In dating, I find out VERY quickly that my natural tendency to “caretake” won’t be reciprocated (note, I don’t always expect it to be, but you know.. it is nice sometimes damnit). In friendships, however, it can take months or years to find out that some people just don’t care or maybe aren’t worth the investment.

The end result is I spend a lot of time trying to make people happy, and in return I am left drained. 

I’ve talked to my therapist quite a bit about this, and how I can work on determining where to draw my own boundaries. I do have some very great friends, but I have many over the years that I have given my power to, and it’s gotten me hurt. I’ve put my trust in people that I thought would have my back, when all they wanted to do was thrust a knife into it for their own means. Sadly, in a lot of these situations I’ve seen the writing on the wall, but I’m so scared to just say “no” to someone that I still let it happen. I don’t want to look like a bitch, or look selfish, or look like I don’t care about someone that I’m close to. I’ve realized now that although it might hurt to put up these boundaries, and it may be hard for me to say no, it’s going to hurt a whole hell of a lot worse when I inevitably get burned by someone exhibiting these red flags. 

As much as I wish to have the power to do so, I can’t change anyone. All I can change is myself, the amount of myself that I am willing to give to other people, and how I react to situations. I am the writer of my own story, and the only one who gets to say how I live my life is me.

height:asshole.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may have read an aside where I mentioned that one of the ways to get to my heart is to be 6’3. If you haven’t been reading my blog for a while, for shame, reader, for shame!! Anyway, I picked 6’3 as a very specific height, and here’s why. I’m 5’10, so you would think I would LOVE a guy who is way super taller than me, like 6’3+. To be honest, I used to. When I met a guy who was 6’5, I would get all giddy, like “Ohemgeeee I get to feel like a little princess like all these short bitches!!” Right?! WRONG.

Here’s the thing about tall guys. Every inch above 6’3, they get an extra asshole point. I’m blanketing this statement…I’m sure there are guys that are very tall and very kind and generous, but the ones I’ve met and dated overall have been pretty strong in the douchebaggery category. Super tall guys think they’re hotter than they are, because they are tall, they get to act like a 9 when in real life they’re barely pushing a 7. Super tall guys think the world has to look up to them and they feel entitled. Super tall guys don’t stop fucking talking about how super tall they are. Yo homie, we can see you! Basically, super tall guys have an aura of being able to treat anyone however they want, because they’re “above you”.

I have said this to tall guys before, usually ones in that safe sub-6’3 zone, and they usually agree, but then point out that shorter guys have the Napoleon complex thing going on. If that is to be believed, that means that all women are basically fucked, because we get either tall assholes or short angry chihuahuas, right? Also wrong. There is definitely a sweet spot, and that sweet spot is 100% accented by character. Guys falling in the average height range seem to have a little more personality, versus guys going into the above average range that start getting cockier by the inch. I can attest to some guys having Napoleon complex in the shorter range, but that’s usually when the extreme lower quartile (5’5 or shorter, in my experience.) With all of this very proven scientific evidence, it is safe to assume the sweet spot probably lies between about 5’6 and about 6’2, give or take. Every inch above 6’3, there is a really good chance you are flirting dangerously with asshole category, and anyone above 6’5, forget it.

All in all, height, while it can be very important, doesn’t outweigh someone’s disposition. I don’t tend to date people shorter than me, not because I judge them at all (you can’t control your height), but because I’m essentially some kind of Amazon woman and I feel humongo in that scenario. However, I would much rather date someone shorter than me than someone who is a complete dick and doesn’t know how to treat other humans.

As a disclaimer, if you’re a tall guy reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure there are some good eggs out there. If you’re a tall guy reading this and you are, in fact an asshole, stop. You can still change your ways, and giving a shit about people is way way sexier than just acting like you’re the shit, all the time.

xoxo, Tempest.

swipe.

.Reading time 10 minutes.

Dating apps. They’re everywhere. There is one for every walk of life, and they keep popping up. They’re out of control. The swiping needs to stop!

Here’s the problem, at least as I see it. There are way too many options, and everyone is always looking for the next best thing, instead of organically getting to know someone. I’m speaking from both experience and observation here.

While I like to think that I’m some dashingly beautiful girl that could just pick up guys wherever I go, realistically, I apparently can come off as intimidating (5’10 and a mean resting bitch face is my best guess) and I tend to stick with my friends when out and about, instead of going full social butterfly mode.  Plus, most of my hobbies are pretty much solo… reading, blogging, running, and Netflix binging, basically, so little opportunity in that arena. That leaves work (probably a bad idea), friends of friends (but then you have friendcest) and stupid online dating. So yeah, I’ve done it. And…

I. Hate. It.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great way to meet people that you may not have met otherwise. Besides that pro though, there are WAY more cons.

  1. Nothing is organic. You go into meeting this person with the intent of something… maybe not a relationship, but something more than just bumping into each other and getting to know each other as friends.
  2. Speaking of being friends… there’s little opportunity for that. You’re almost guaranteed to start as “dating,” or maybe FWB if you’re on a dicier app (coughtindercough). For me, this is really tough, because I would much prefer to be friends with someone before being in a relationship.
  3. Everyone is talking to everyone else. Maybe I just have some deep rooted trust issues, but it’s very hard for me to believe that someone is matching with me, talking to only me, and not comparing me to 345 other girls that they’re talking to. I’m probably doing it to some extent, so why wouldn’t you be?
  4. HOW DO I EVEN KNOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY SINGLE? HOW?!
  5. People swipe while emotional or when drunk. Maybe this isn’t 100% true, but I’ve done it, and I know friends that do it: the emotional swipe. You have a bad day and need attention, or you go through a breakup…swipe away. Drunk obviously creates a beer goggle experience where you are just matching with people that you may not have matched with otherwise. As a reminder: there are people on the other end of that picture. Matching with someone in an emotional or drunk situation may be okay for you, but it kinda sucks for them.
  6. People misrepresent themselves, like… a lot. Hey guys..newsflash! 5’9 doth not equal 6’0. Nor does 5’10. Or 5’11. 6’0=6’0. If you meet someone, they will be able to tell you were lying about this. Through my online dating experience, I discovered that 6’0 was basically the “average” number that guys like to round to for their height. 6’1 seems to be pretty safe, but for some reason, people really like to hit that 6. By the way,it’s okay to be 5’9 and own that shit. I would rather know that going in so I DON’T wear 4 inch heels and tower over you. Just be honest. Also, I really don’t care what you looked like in high school, so how about let’s NOT use that pic, k?
  7. Different apps often have different end goals, and a lot of people cater to that with multiple profiles. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve found a guy on multiple apps with completely different profiles. I understand trying to know your audience a little bit, but what am I really supposed to go by here? “Just looking for fun and a ‘partner in crime'” is the same guy saying he’s “hoping to be great friends first and build on it” WHAT THE ASS,… no wonder I have trust issues. If you have multiple apps, chances are most of your potential matches do too. Also can everyone just cut that partner in crime shit out?!?! I’d be perfectly happy with a partner in pizza.
  8. Check-boxes. This can happen in any relationship, but it seems to happen a lot with online dating. They’re attractive, check. They like food, check.They have a job, and hopefully a car, check. You like music?! OMG IIIII like music too! Check. Here’s the thing about the check-boxes. Think about the best relationship you ever had, friendship or romantic. Did you subject that person to a list of questions before you decided they would be a good friend or partner? Probably not. This kind of ties back into the whole “organic” thing, but you can’t base a relationship solely on the things you have in common, or things you think you want. It’s great to have morals and values, but you could be ruling out a lot of good potentials by making them pass a qualifier test to talk to you. One of my biggest pet peeves in this arena is education level. I have several friends and have come across several people who will not date someone without a college degree. I understand the rationale behind this, but I also think that ruling someone out for this reason alone is somewhat closed minded. For example, I do not have a college degree. I was in school when I had a lot of life changes that required me to be self-supportive, and I started working, and gradually stopped going to school. I now have a great career AND am going back to school, something very hard to juggle and that few people can do. Does this make me inadequate as a human? To many, it does, and that’s honestly very sad (for them, not me, because I’m brilliant and awesome lol).
  9. People act differently when dealing with a screen than they do with a human. When I tried online dating, it was for one main reason… time. I work a lot and my work can be mentally exhausting, and when I’m out with friends, I want to focus on my friends, not trying to meet some random dude. This seems to be the reason that probably…I don’t know, 40-50% of the people I’ve ran into share. And that’s okay, it makes sense in today’s busy world. There are another 20-25% that are looking for hookups, and then another 25% or so that DO NOT. KNOW HOW. TO HUMAN. Seriously. These people can come across as very normal electronically, but in person.. it’s just not clicking. This can be terrifying, especially if they’re good at the normal conversation online, so you go into an IRL meeting expecting the same thing and… wow. yeah. Next.
  10. Courtship. I really miss being courted. Online dating kind of eliminates that to an extent. Okay so bear with me.. I know I said earlier that maybe jumping right into a romantic situation seems unnatural and that I dislike it, and saying that I want to be courted kind of contradicts that. But let’s just assume that you meet someone, you hang out a few times, and you feel like you know what.. I do kind of dig that person. At that point, why is it okay to not try to impress them and put in that extra effort? Yes, I’m sure there are guys out there who would do that, but it seems to be the exception these days instead of the rule.

I could probably go on and on about this, but those are the top ten reasons that I’ve decided that I hate online dating. I know many people have had successful relationships using these platforms but for me… #singleforever!

xoxo,

Tempest.