Month: June 2016

drained.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’ve written a lot about my struggles with romantic relationships on this blog, but lately I’ve also thought about friendships, and how I have let the toxic ones impact me over the years. The same problems that get me in trouble with dating also get me in trouble with friendships, but it usually takes much, much longer for me to realize it. If I’ve invested a lot of time and energy, saying no or stepping away from someone becomes very hard for me, if not damn near impossible.

It’s time to say no. I have to learn to say no to things that are not okay for me.

My problem, you see, is I naturally want to take care of people. This means I tend to seek out romantic partners and friends that probably need to be taken care of in some way. Not calling anyone broken, but I tend to find people that are maybe not whole enough in themselves to be in a functional, healthy relationship themselves. In dating, I find out VERY quickly that my natural tendency to “caretake” won’t be reciprocated (note, I don’t always expect it to be, but you know.. it is nice sometimes damnit). In friendships, however, it can take months or years to find out that some people just don’t care or maybe aren’t worth the investment.

The end result is I spend a lot of time trying to make people happy, and in return I am left drained. 

I’ve talked to my therapist quite a bit about this, and how I can work on determining where to draw my own boundaries. I do have some very great friends, but I have many over the years that I have given my power to, and it’s gotten me hurt. I’ve put my trust in people that I thought would have my back, when all they wanted to do was thrust a knife into it for their own means. Sadly, in a lot of these situations I’ve seen the writing on the wall, but I’m so scared to just say “no” to someone that I still let it happen. I don’t want to look like a bitch, or look selfish, or look like I don’t care about someone that I’m close to. I’ve realized now that although it might hurt to put up these boundaries, and it may be hard for me to say no, it’s going to hurt a whole hell of a lot worse when I inevitably get burned by someone exhibiting these red flags. 

As much as I wish to have the power to do so, I can’t change anyone. All I can change is myself, the amount of myself that I am willing to give to other people, and how I react to situations. I am the writer of my own story, and the only one who gets to say how I live my life is me.

height:asshole.

.Reading time 4 minutes.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may have read an aside where I mentioned that one of the ways to get to my heart is to be 6’3. If you haven’t been reading my blog for a while, for shame, reader, for shame!! Anyway, I picked 6’3 as a very specific height, and here’s why. I’m 5’10, so you would think I would LOVE a guy who is way super taller than me, like 6’3+. To be honest, I used to. When I met a guy who was 6’5, I would get all giddy, like “Ohemgeeee I get to feel like a little princess like all these short bitches!!” Right?! WRONG.

Here’s the thing about tall guys. Every inch above 6’3, they get an extra asshole point. I’m blanketing this statement…I’m sure there are guys that are very tall and very kind and generous, but the ones I’ve met and dated overall have been pretty strong in the douchebaggery category. Super tall guys think they’re hotter than they are, because they are tall, they get to act like a 9 when in real life they’re barely pushing a 7. Super tall guys think the world has to look up to them and they feel entitled. Super tall guys don’t stop fucking talking about how super tall they are. Yo homie, we can see you! Basically, super tall guys have an aura of being able to treat anyone however they want, because they’re “above you”.

I have said this to tall guys before, usually ones in that safe sub-6’3 zone, and they usually agree, but then point out that shorter guys have the Napoleon complex thing going on. If that is to be believed, that means that all women are basically fucked, because we get either tall assholes or short angry chihuahuas, right? Also wrong. There is definitely a sweet spot, and that sweet spot is 100% accented by character. Guys falling in the average height range seem to have a little more personality, versus guys going into the above average range that start getting cockier by the inch. I can attest to some guys having Napoleon complex in the shorter range, but that’s usually when the extreme lower quartile (5’5 or shorter, in my experience.) With all of this very proven scientific evidence, it is safe to assume the sweet spot probably lies between about 5’6 and about 6’2, give or take. Every inch above 6’3, there is a really good chance you are flirting dangerously with asshole category, and anyone above 6’5, forget it.

All in all, height, while it can be very important, doesn’t outweigh someone’s disposition. I don’t tend to date people shorter than me, not because I judge them at all (you can’t control your height), but because I’m essentially some kind of Amazon woman and I feel humongo in that scenario. However, I would much rather date someone shorter than me than someone who is a complete dick and doesn’t know how to treat other humans.

As a disclaimer, if you’re a tall guy reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure there are some good eggs out there. If you’re a tall guy reading this and you are, in fact an asshole, stop. You can still change your ways, and giving a shit about people is way way sexier than just acting like you’re the shit, all the time.

xoxo, Tempest.